Today was the first time that I ever tried to skip school. I’ve been so depressed lately, so I decided that I was going to take a nice break. I was going to go on a train downtown, watch a movie, get something nice for lunch,Â and I had an elaborate plan worked out that almost worked… until my mom saw me on the way there. I wound up being taken back to school and got sent to the guidance counsellor’s office where I, wisely I may add, did not admit to any suicidal thoughts. Believe me, though, when I say that killing myself right now sounds fantastic. The guidance counsellor asked why I felt that getting out of school was the only way to make the situation better. I told her that I’m bored and have lost interest not only in school but for the most part, life. (I watered the life part down, though.) I went on about feeling like I have no future, too. See, if you don’t feel like you have a future there is this glaring question: what the hell is the point? Predictably they told me to focus on the positive aspects of my personality and to name 5 things about myself that I liked. At the time I couldn’t think of any, so they came up with a token, “you’re a good writer.” Really? How much does that pay? Remember that if I live I will not be settling for living in a dumpster. If it comes to that I will be gone and no one will hear from me again. So, I’m sitting in the office and I don’t believe a single damned word that they are saying to me. Remember that these are the same guys that would call the hospital if I said the wrong thing, so they have no credibility. All I was left with was the thought that if I have a future, once again, it will be a good one or none at all.
Back to the subject of my poor miserable attempt to have a decent day. It didn’t work, and the detentions I have to put up with are not the worst part. You know what the worst part is? The fact that these idiots are trying to make me feel bad for making an attempt to enjoy myself. Apparently that’s a capital crime, so I have to deal with the consequences of, once again, trying to enjoy myself! Why?! Is it really that hard to feel happy? The other feeling that comes to mind is one of being trapped, since I cannot even have one nice day. I’m trapped. Stuck. Fucked.
The guidance counsellor also talked and talked about finding something I enjoy. I just responded by saying that even the activities I do enjoy I am losing interest in. So, she suggested getting a colse friend. I think she strongly implied a girlfriend. (Of course, I’m gay but heavily closeted at the moment.) For obvious reasons, this was a non-starter, and on the subject of a close friend, no “friends” have been over for about 5 years. Now that I have lost interest in pretty much anything bar sitting in front of the computer away from everyone else, (this, too, is dwindling,) what can I do? I truly do feel trapped, and I am. Shit! I really want to kill myself right now.