Something Needs To Be Done Soon

I really don’t want to live like this any longer. I don’t even want to live at all any longer. Yet for some reason I keep procrastinating. Could it be fear? Possibly. I’ve been raised to believe that suicide is a sin and is a one way ticket to hell. Is hell much worse than what I’m living in now? I don’t know. Usually, the unknown has scared me. Could it be hope? Possibly. Why I should have any hope left in my heart is beyond me. Maybe there is the tiniest shred of hope in the deepest corners of my heart, but my brain tells me to completely abandon any hope I may have left. I know that it is hopeless for me. I just know it. Could it be plain laziness that causes me to put off my death that I desire so strongly? That is very possible. I am pretty lazy and procrastinate often. All the way through school I was a lazy procrastinator and it doesn’t seem like much has changed since then. But whatever the reason for my procrastination, this much is clear… it needs to stop. Something needs to be done soon. Something serious. I’ve never really had a happy life, and circumstances that keep being thrown at me over the past few years only make living worse. So, I’ve had quite a while to think about this. I know I need to die. I know it is the only way for me to end the pain, sorrow, and loneliness I am feeling. And I know that my situation cannot possibly get any better. I am truly stuck in life and my depression certainly is not helping. I know that I cannot be kept alive, otherwise I will continue to go nowhere and continue to feel absolutely miserable and alone. Other people have wonderful and legitimate reasons to stay alive, but not me. I’ve only ever really wanted one thing in life; and that was to love and be loved. I used to have a heart full of love and joy and passion and my only real dream was to find the perfect someone out there to share it with. I wanted nothing more than to find that special person, my soul mate, my best friend, my life partner, my spouse, and raise a beautiful family with them. I so desired to someday soon find The One for me and fall head over heels in love with them, and them with me. But I realize I have to abandon that dream now. Some of those “circumstances that keep being thrown at me” have made me beyond bitter and unable to trust anyone. Now, when I think about it, even if by some miracle I did get my dream, I STILL wouldn’t be happy anyway. Having to live on for who knows how many more years, always having to worry about that person getting bored with you, cheating on you, and eventually leaving you… I couldn’t do that. So what now? What am I supposed to do when I only had one dream, one shot at true happiness and now that dream has been shattered…? I’m not going to live like this. I will not allow it. I know what has to be done, now I just need the will power to do it. I have to die. I need to die. I’ve been seriously, seriously considering lately an exit bag. I’m still debating, though, whether to use drugs to knock me out first, or gas. I’ve been doing a bit of research and it seems both methods have their advantages and disadvantages. If anyone out there reading this has any useful insight on the matter I would greatly appreciate a comment. Either way, I know I can’t procrastinate forever. I need to get this done and I need to do it right. I really don’t want to go on any longer.