Sometimes..

Sometimes all we really want to do is shut out the world. Crawl into our bed, pull the blankets over our heads, and blast some depressing songs. I can completely relate to this. My parents say that i need to get out more and i need to come out of my room more frequently but my room is my sanctuary. It’s where i feel the safest. My blades, my “Torture Toys”, my laptop, my phone.. these are all in my room.

My boyfriend used to wonder why i dont talk much or why i look sad all the time. he didnt understand that i had just come out of depression and now it was slowly pulling me back in. I have attempted suicide twice since we broke up. I know it’s stupid, but he was the first boy i ever loved. i told him absolutely everything. and he just left. Do you know what its like when you finally think you found that one person in the world you can trust and then they just leave you in the dark? Makes you wonder what the hell is wrong with me? Makes you think that you screw everything up. Makes you finally realize that trusting people is stupid because all they’ll do is leave you in the dark. It gives you trusting issues. And it’s hell.

Have any of you ever looked in the mirror and thought you were too fat? Sat in front of the toilet, gagging yourself until you eventually puked? Looked at your scarred wrist and figured that no one could love you because of this? Thought you were alone? wondered why you’re such a screw up? why you were born? why did this have to happen to you?  these questions cross my mind often.  I am a mistake.

I am, however, attempting to save myself. I gave up on relying on other people. I have started going to church and surrounding myself with friends. I will not let myself cut because that shows that i am weak. If i can not handle this on my own, i am weak. My suicide attempts have come to a halt. I cry occasionally when my mind races at a million miles an hour. But i figure tears are better than a blade.

I am slowly overcoming this. i am helping myself. If i can do it, so can you. Im here if you need to talk. I promise i will listen. I’ll do my best to help. Somebody out there somewhere loves you. I know i do.