Speaking to no one

I guess I just need to write something. I’ve tried killing myself already but it didn’t work and I haven’t tried again since because it’s nearly time for finals and I don’t want to distract the person who stopped me. She still has a brilliant future waiting for her and I shouldn’t get in the way of that.

This morning is just harder than most. I felt good since Thursday but all of that is gone again. I woke up and just started crying while cursing myself for being such a useless idiot. I guess I knew it was just a matter of time before I crashed again. I think I’m starting to dread the days I feel like everything will be alright as much as the days I know will be horrible.

I’m a chemistry major but I’ve bounced around to almost every department trying to find a place I would fit. Truth is I don’t fit anywhere. I’m not out of place so much as unnecessary. It’s strange knowing that you could stay somewhere but you wouldn’t ever belong there. I’ve been trying to find a place to belong for 8 years now and though I’ve seen many people find homes I haven’t seen a trace of mine. I don’t even believe it exists anymore.

I tried to kill myself with chloroform last time but couldn’t get a stable enough dose for a long enough period. I’m thinking ferrocyanide next time but I haven’t quite decided. For now it doesn’t matter. I won’t distract one of the few people I care about during their finals. I can deal with the urge to scream for a while longer at least.