I really don’t know what I’m doing. I’m extremely suicidal, I have no fear of death and I welcome it’s emptiness. However, I have this insane little happy part of myself that won’t shut up about all of my hopes and dreams and how they could still happen. I really feel like two people at once sometimes. I don’t know whether to feel good or bad that they both agree I’m ugly and look nothing like they do in my head. (I have a lot of self-hate.)
I think it might be worse because I don’t feel like I have the right to feel this way. When I don’t focus on it, I forget that I’ve had anything bad happen to me. I’m a master at screwing with my own mind. I’m missing whole years and unless I make an effort, I’m not aware that I was abused for more than the first half of my life. I forget it without meaning to, because I convince myself it wasn’t me. That it’s just another book I’ve read. The mindset still affects me, I just don’t always realize why I have it.
Basically, what happened is a lot of physical and mental abuse from my father and mother, then they got divorced and I lived with mom. There was a lot of drama and dad got a new family and mom got a new husband. My dad didn’t even decide to fight for my brother and I, he just replaced us with a new family. That hurt/hurts in indescribable ways, because to a young child who still managed to forgive him and love him that replacement is like how I’d imagine someone feeling as they’re thrown out of heaven.
Since he refused his love I felt/feel unlovable. Now I never feel like I deserve anything. I don’t deserve to live, nor die. I don’t deserve to be loved, nor be hated. Basically, I feel a lot of the time like I just exist because I don’t deserve for anything to change because I started out existing and I don’t deserve to just stop. That’s what I want most of all though, to stop existing. Â I don’t want heaven nor hell, just absolute nothing. I don’t want relief anymore, I’m beyond even that. I just want to vanish as if I was never here.
I don’t connect to people or emotions anymore. I think it’s a defensive mechanism partly, so I won’t be hurt when people leave, but I know if I were left by anyone in my life right now, it wouldn’t matter. I am disconnected at a scary level. I’m acting on practice and watching others in social situations, and I can’t make the proper faces like I used to be able to. My emotions are evened out to tired. Â I want to sleep forever and waking up in the morning isÂ disappointingÂ and sad, so I try not to sleep so I’m notÂ disappointedÂ to wake up. I’m here now because others need me, want me to stay, (no idea why) and the stupid “happy voice” in my mind.
I apologize for posting this and all. I know probably no one cares. I’m fine with that; I just had an impulse to get this out. It’s been awhile since I’ve slept well, so I apologize for mistakes and such in grammar and spelling. And for the horrible scattered writing.