I really don’t know what I’m doing. I’m extremely suicidal, I have no fear of death and I welcome it’s emptiness. However, I have this insane little happy part of myself that won’t shut up about all of my hopes and dreams and how they could still happen. I really feel like two people at once sometimes. I don’t know whether to feel good or bad that they both agree I’m ugly and look nothing like they do in my head. (I have a lot of self-hate.)
I think it might be worse because I don’t feel like I have the right to feel this way. When I don’t focus on it, I forget that I’ve had anything bad happen to me. I’m a master at screwing with my own mind. I’m missing whole years and unless I make an effort, I’m not aware that I was abused for more than the first half of my life. I forget it without meaning to, because I convince myself it wasn’t me. That it’s just another book I’ve read. The mindset still affects me, I just don’t always realize why I have it.
Basically, what happened is a lot of physical and mental abuse from my father and mother, then they got divorced and I lived with mom. There was a lot of drama and dad got a new family and mom got a new husband. My dad didn’t even decide to fight for my brother and I, he just replaced us with a new family. That hurt/hurts in indescribable ways, because to a young child who still managed to forgive him and love him that replacement is like how I’d imagine someone feeling as they’re thrown out of heaven.
Since he refused his love I felt/feel unlovable. Now I never feel like I deserve anything. I don’t deserve to live, nor die. I don’t deserve to be loved, nor be hated. Basically, I feel a lot of the time like I just exist because I don’t deserve for anything to change because I started out existing and I don’t deserve to just stop. That’s what I want most of all though, to stop existing. Â I don’t want heaven nor hell, just absolute nothing. I don’t want relief anymore, I’m beyond even that. I just want to vanish as if I was never here.
I don’t connect to people or emotions anymore. I think it’s a defensive mechanism partly, so I won’t be hurt when people leave, but I know if I were left by anyone in my life right now, it wouldn’t matter. I am disconnected at a scary level. I’m acting on practice and watching others in social situations, and I can’t make the proper faces like I used to be able to. My emotions are evened out to tired.  I want to sleep forever and waking up in the morning is disappointing and sad, so I try not to sleep so I’m not disappointed to wake up. I’m here now because others need me, want me to stay, (no idea why) and the stupid “happy voice” in my mind.
I apologize for posting this and all. I know probably no one cares. I’m fine with that; I just had an impulse to get this out. It’s been awhile since I’ve slept well, so I apologize for mistakes and such in grammar and spelling. And for the horrible scattered writing.
5 comments
r3a9an,
Divorce sucks! As if you didn’t know. It takes two people to make a baby. But that doesn’t promise either one will love that baby. The biggest challenge you will face in life is finding love for yourself. There are plenty of times when no one around seems to give a rats ass. That’s when you decide if you have more to offer this messed up world, or you just want to quit trying.
Only you know if you have more you want to accomplish. As long as you want to see or do more, you need to press forward. If you have already done everything you ever hoped to, maybe it’s time to check out. Choose wisely.
I no longer feel disappointed when I wake up. It doesn’t make any difference. I no longer plan to die. It won’t make any difference. Nothing makes any difference. Nothing changes. No matter how deep you think you’ve fallen, there always seems to be further to go. I’m sorry. I wish I could help. Maybe you should try listening to your happy voice and see if it can help you. Good luck.
btw-your post was fine.
In reply to Kbar, I do actually have more I want to do and I know I can do. I’m literally at empty and I’m still doing moderately well in a residential high school that’s literally worse than college. I just can no longer make it matter to me. The optimistic part is still talking about how much I can make of myself if i get my act together, but everything else is telling me that it won’t make a difference anyway. I think I will give college a shot, if I can get there. If I get kicked out of my current school for grades, I plan on trying to get help. When I decide to end it, I’m going to write up all of my invention plans and ideas so that someone else can still make the world better for those who remain in it.
I keep procrastinating everything though, because I can rarely get myself to agree on what to do and all of the energy I had to do something -good or bad- is gone. One of the reasons I’m still here, but also one of the reasons I can’t help myself get better.
At Im Fine, thank you. I’m sorry you’re down so far too. I wish I could help you and everyone who feels even moderately badly. I have/am trying to listen to the happy voice, but sometimes it makes things worse because it’s so optimistic. It gets unrealistic and then the depressed/suicidal but rational side calls BS. Then I find it even harder to believe the other things the happy voice says. Good luck to you as well.
I know that one. I have had some wonderful arguments with myself. It doesn’t help. Nothing does. I keep thinking that I must have hit bottom and that then, as the song goes, the only way is up. Balderdash. There’s always more down. Now I just live on whatever ledge I’m currently on until the next fall. It’s all I have left.
Good luck with college but don’t think that, if you fail there, that’s it. When you get outside of college, you’ll realise how meaningless college was. There are other things to try outside of it. I hope you find something that appeals to you and gives you something to live for.