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What do I do now?

by NoEscape

I’ve tried to kill myself  before. No one knows of course. Sadly the entire bottle of pills I took didn’t do anything but make me vomit the next day away. My family just thought it was the flu. They have no clue that I want to die, they don’t know that I hate my self with the entirety of my being. No one knows. I don’t want people to know, I don’t want to be that weird suicidal girl. The one that everyone pities, the girl that no one knows what to do with. I’m now a senior in high school and graduation is less than two weeks away. I thought things would get better, that I could get out of this hell hole and that I could just be myself. Now I feel like there is nowhere that I could be me. My father just told me I was stupid, that I was never right about anything. He was the one person that always told me that I was wonderful, that I could do anything. He was always there for me to talk to and tell my problems. He would tell me I was beautiful, that anyone who couldn’t accept me didn’t deserve to know me. The sad thing is I believed him when he told me that. Now I know better. Now I’m as pathetic in his eyes as everyone else’s. I know that my problems are minuscule compared to many people who write here, but I needed to write something, so I did. I’ve been afraid to try and kill myself again, but now I feel like maybe it really is the only option. It’s funny how one person can destroy you without even knowing what they have done.

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4 comments

Riddick 5/10/2013 - 11:40 pm

Yeah I understand where you coming from. I graduated college last year thinking everything would be better, but college was a bad experience for me and now that I been out it’s gotten worst over the course of one year. It feels to that no one believes in me, and I’ve had people who were encouraged me before just say the complete opposite, telling me ” I will always be alone” etc.

I tend not to tell people either my problems, they can’t help anyways and then they will all look at you weirdly, and I too have tried committing suicide in the past but it failed too.

I been telling myself not to do it coming up, but I too feel like there’s no escape.

Let me know if you want to talk one on one Im sure we have a lot in common.

secondlife 5/11/2013 - 12:42 am

Hi NoEscape,

Firstly your problems are not minuscule, they matter a great deal. Everyone’s suffering is different-but they are not trivial, so please don’t diminish yourself or your problems in that way.

Secondly parents have a profound influence on the development of their kids-they can either be supportive and help them live full lives or they can destroy them through their own idiocy and hate.

In my case I started hating my parents when I was fairly young because I found them to be stupid and unfair. So in a sense I had an in-built defense mechanism since I already had a low opinion of them.

In your case I think your father is a very abusive scumbag and doesn’t deserve to have a daughter as good as you. The main thing is to not let anything he says get to you and I usually recommend that people in your situation should try to leave it by living with a relative you trust or if you can work and live on your own that would be best.

Instead of having your family shed crocodile tears over you if you pass away, better to leave them all behind by moving on in your life-you know you deserve better and can change your situation.

explodingjello 5/11/2013 - 1:23 am

I’m sorry to hear you are feeling so low. I often feel suicidal and depressed and hopeless as well. While everyone’s situation is different, I know many who have gotten better in time, and those that haven’t. Since you aren’t out of high school yet I would encourage you to endure a little longer, because the experience of college or “the real world” outside of school can be totally different and may change everyone about your life. If you still feel this way after college or in your 30’s it may be easy to lose hope, but at this point, even if you feel you have nobody, please wait a little longer because at this point time is still on your side.

Soroxen 5/11/2013 - 3:34 pm

I’m in the exact same position as you are!

I’m also a senior in highschool and I’m practically leaving for college in less than a month. My dad is also the only person in my family that I open up to that tells me the same things yours does, and I take his criticisms harder than I should.

Please don’t kill yourself though!

I’m pretty sure that your dad probably said those things in the heat of the moment (or maybe he was just really stressed out) but I truly doubt it that he meant those things though 🙁

Life does get better, just keep your head up high! 😀 If you need a friend or someone to talk to, I’m here 🙂

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