Hey everyone , you can call me Reem . I’m 16 years old and live in Saudi Arabia .. at the first look at me you’ll see a normal girl who has an amazing life , who doesn’t need anything and has no reason to be sad or deprssed , but that proves you don’t know me ..
I’ve been holding this for a long , long , long time … I forgot even when it all started , but I wanna let it out and share it in order to fully open up for the first time in my life !
when I was little I was molested by my aunt’s son .. my uncle’s son saw it all and started blackmailing me asking for what he saw .. I didn’t know what to do except keep saying no .. and then I met this cousin of mine , he was sweet , caring and he listened to me .. that was when I was 9 …
when I reached 12 I told him about what happened between me and my aunt’s son .. He came up to me after 2 days telling me he doesn’t wanna talk to me anymore because of what happened .. I was heartbroken , he was the first only person who listened to me and were there for me .. I was forced to feel unloved and alone since I was 12 .. I started noticing my flaws .. comparing myself with every girl I see , I stopped eating cause I realized I was fat and convinced myself that me being fat is a reason why none of the girl like talking to me..
The next year was my first year in middle school , I made up my mind on starting new this year and trying to get over everything .. I met these girls , they were funny , hilarious .. and sweet .. I ruined what they had with me with lies ..
I kept telling them a lie after a lie .. and ironically I thought they believed it when they were making fun of me behind my back .. and when they confronted me with those lies I told .. I froze .. I realized that what I have done was wrong … I was speechless .. obviously they stopped talking to me ..
a year later I met my aunt’s son (that asshole) and he looked straight in the eye .. like he didn’t do anything wrong to me .. like it’s ok that he ruined my childhood and made nightmares haunt me since I was an innocent little child ..
I grew up being perverted thanks to what he did to me .. I saw him in every guy .. I couldn’t trust anyone after that look he gave me .. I felt cold , heartless .. I began to turn like him .. after all he had his imprint on me
after 2 years , at the beginning of this school year .. I went to the same high school that those girls from middle school went to .. I thought it’d be ok to start fresh with them , and I did .. no more lies , no more heartlessness.. then something that broke me to the core happened …
I had a friend who I helped once , his name is Alex and he’s a selfharmer .. I promised him that I’ll always be there for him , he told me he felt loved when I told him that promise …. 3 months after that , I heard about his overdose … I was Devestated , I didn’t know what to do or what to say .. I broke my promise , I wasn’t there for him when he needed me like I said I would .. I’m a hypocrite liar and a promise breaker … that’s what I am Â
I spent my whole week on my bed crying .. the last 2 days I cried feeling numb like I forgot why I was crying in the first place .. one day my older sister walked in and asked why I haven’t been eating for the last 4 weekz .. I ignored her .. she said :”you’re worthless , you know that , right ? you’r just an extra number in this family that’s all” .. To make her shut up I got every little scrap of the energy left in me and went to the bathroom .. crying silently and hitting the walls and punching my thighs didn’t make me feel better like it used to .. and then I realized that I stopped feeling .. looked in the mirror and saw that I was crying like I never did , My eyes were swallon red with dark circles around them for not sleeping and having nightmares all night long .. I looked down at my hands and I saw them covered with bruises from hitting the walls .. my thighs are even worse … and I kept asking myself “when did this all happen ? where have I been ? did I truly did this to myself ? seriously ?” to be honest , I didn’t feel sad about it .. I didn’t feel mad , disgusted or any of those things .. I couldn’t feel my senses .. I just felt the cold , you know what I mean ?
I asked myself “bruises , Scratches .. what else Reem ? how low can you get” .. I looked down at my arms and used my nail to cut deep .. I wanted to feel something .. I NEEDED to feel something .. a couple of blood drops fell on the wet floor .. it felt amazing , relieving and safe .. it was the only pain I could control ..
yes ..I started cutting using my nails and twice only I used the scissors .. A lot of people haven’t noticed that I’ve been wearing long sleeves or anything of that so I thought I was safe .. I told my so called friend at school about it and showed them my cuts .. they kept lecturing me saying “Open your eyes ! Look around , you have a great life you should be grateful” I didn’t say anyhting as always , I stayed quiet ..
that was 4-5 months ago .. now I haven’t cut since My little sister saw my cuts and told me that she was afraid of me going to hell for killing myself ..the look on her eyes .. yes I felt relieved when I did it .. but still I didn’t wanna hurt my little sister ..
and now , I’m ashamed of what I used to do , yet I still hurt but I don’t show it .. I bury it deep inside of me ..I rememeber these lines from the song I bleed by Outcast youth :
“I try everyday just to keep getting better
to block out the thoughts but I’m under the weather
the pressure is building , I need to release
I’m out of my depths and I’m feeling week
I’m sick of this pain and I want it to end
my oldest enemy and my only friend
a blade in my hand and my life in front of me ,
I’m Stranded between relapse and recovery”
I relate to that song soo much .. and now Everyone looks at me like I’m a life savior and an inspiration while I break everyday in my room remembering that promise I broke … they don’t know how many long nights I’ve stayed up crying ..they don’t know how many nights I’ve stayed up on my bed for no goddamn reason ..
and now I’m constantly torn between killing myself or killing everyone around me …
what should I do ? I don’t wanna hurt anyone anymore …
2 comments
I know how you feel, and I’m not going to tell you to be thankful. I think you have a good reason for doing all that you have done. Not everyone is the same and they have no reason to judge you, everyone has different emotional stability. All I can say is that you’re not alone and it helps to know that. I’m also torn between hurting myself or hurting others, but to relieve my pain and stress I write my problems in a journal and I write my emotions on a piece of paper and ball it up, then I throw it. You’re not alone and there are others like us. And I’m sorry for all that you’ve been through.
Hi. I’m not suicidal in the slightest, and so unlike many people here I have no idea what your going through. That said …. Your past was not yours to control, but you can react to it in any way you choose. The promise you made was a promise you couldn’t have kept however much you tried.
Suicide is not an easy way out, but from a rationalistic atheistic view it would end it all pretty quickly. Sure over time things will “get better”, but during that time the one thing that will kill you are your emotions. They need to be understood and contained at times. I can feel a single large pulsation in my head every time I get the urge to swear or hit someone. I don’t know whether its something similar but I’m sure if you bring logic and rationality into the equation you could override the unwanted emotional reactions.
Sorry if I’m totally off the ball here, but this is how I would approach your situation. I hope it made a bit of sense at least.