Why can’t I..

i feel the same way. I suffer crippling depressive mood disorder induced lows from time to time(getting more frequent) and always think of suicide when i feel that way. I have planned it out so many times in intricate detail. The worst was one night I snuck out of the house about midnight and drove to a local famous suicide spot. I got out and paced around the fence that is there to slow jumpers down. I eventually broke down crying turned around and drove home. This morning I was traveling for work and thought to myself if I see a tall steep cliff i will stop and jump off it. I put lookouts in my gps and stopped at three of them and did nothing. I think I use suicide as mental tool to draw a line in the sand. I tell myself “if it ever gets as bad as situation x i will just kill myself”. Maybe I just haven’t quite crossed the line yet or experienced a bad enough mood drop. Or maybe unconsciously we really don’t want to kill ourselves, maybe there is some hidden unconscious sliver of hope keeping us going we just can’t identify.