why should i continue to wait

ive wanted to die for many years, but now that im coming towards my demise I cant help wonder why I keep procrastinating the inevitable. I have court on the 16th for a DUI which has already turned my unlivable life into a complete hell. It started by losing my brother to suicide 4 years ago (I was suicidal way before that, about 12 year). then I managed to move on and live a somewhat decent life until I met “her”. the love of my life that I am still in love with 6 months after we split and she moved away. I never wanted kids due to knowing I would kill myself one day but when we went to the doctor and saw that heart beat I knew what I was meant for, to be that childs father and my soulmates husband. Got rid of my dearest possession (motorcycle) as I figured that would be the death of me due to my adrenaline addiction. then we lost the baby, saddest day of my life, then I lost her. since then I have been in a voided fantasy life where I refuse to do anything especially work.  I also had a perfect credit score and a brand new car for the baby, but that is all in the past and if I were to keep on living I would have to file bankruptcy. Ive lost my license, my gun, my concealed pistols license, and nearly all my friends. I have no motivation to do anything at all but play video games to escape this hell I call reality. I know I will hurt people when I go but not many people seem to truly care, they say they do when I tell them im at rock bottom and want to die but then go weeks without talking to me, that doesn’t make sense to me. but anways the point of this rant is why should I bother going to this court date, im going to get fucked anyway, why don’t I do it tonight, tomorrow? the only thing im really holding on to is the love of my ex, my soulmate. I would do anything for her at all, including live this hell of a life if that is what she wanted but she wont even speak to me anymore because of the way I was after the baby. I don’t even know where im going with this anymore…

2 weeks or 2 days…. both sounds immensely satisfying in the sense of no more crying and no more self pity.

if you read this don’t try to talk to me about god or getting better, I have tried it all and failed and given up after the littlest of success, I don’t know why but my being wont let me succeed.