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A letter to my love.

by ablackrose

It’s just before 12pm.  I have only just woken up and I wake up today looking at life like it’s a curse.  What is the point of living life?  (Not in a suicidal state of mine).  I lay here thinking to myself how hard it is to get out of bed to get to the shower or to get downstairs to eat breakfast.  So I just lay here for longer.  It is now 1pm.  I have decided to get up and start going on with my day to day jobs.  I was meant to go out today but I don’t want to leave the house.  I am scared.  I am frightened of the world out there.  I am afraid of the world behind my closed doors.  This is my sanctuary.  In which I am still trapped with the demon that lives inside of me.  Behind my nightmares, endless nights of tears falling, my everyday of pain and the mask I wear; there is a little girl wanting to come out.  The little girl that was buried into the pits of anguish five years ago.  Her innocence destroyed, her happiness vanished and her heart fell to pieces.  Nearly six months ago I met someone.  We fell in love.   I was happier than I had ever been in my whole life.  He is the most important person in my life.  I don’t want to disappoint him but the person he fell in love with is slowly diminishing.  I need help before it’s too late.  They are coming back to get me.  I see them in my sleep.  I see them when I wake up.  I see them when I lay awake at night.  The darkness holds me close.  Too close.  The past few weeks has been the start of them coming back stronger.  I am growing weak.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  I am scared that if I don’t do something it will be too late.  They bully me, they torment me, they make me feel weak when I’m at my worst.  My love of my life, you’re my only hope.  I want to hold your hand.  I want to escape this nightmare.  Please take me in your arms and tell me it will be okay.  I don’t know how long I can keep this barrier up for on my own.  Every time I try to tell you exactly what I’m feeling, I get the feeling that you think I’m just making up excuses.  That is the last thing I want to do.  I want that little girl to come out into the light.

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