Aloha

Hey sp. So just a little update I just returned home from my 2 week stay with my dad in Hawaii. It was absolutely beautiful and if anyone is looking for a beautiful and peaceful place to think about life definitely that is a place to visit and get your head together. Unfortunately my experience wasnt too great because of my bad relationship with my dad… He actually grabbed and shoved me after getting in my face and screaming and cussing me out. I thought he was going to actually hurt me but I got out of the house before he could physically harm me farther. I started cutting again but i am determined to get it under control and have decided to try and quit smoking cigs and cut back on my drug use as well. If any of you used to follow my posts (most of which are deleted from this site) you know that I have struggled immensely and never thought i’d still be alive today. You all know just how fucked up i am in the head and how many problems that I have (even if i have created these problems for myself.) I am living proof that even though you may want to die want to curl up in a ball and fade away, disapear from the world life does not stop. Time continues and people keep living their lives. Think back to the past few years… yes it may have been hell but where there a few memories that you were happy to have?. Even if those memories are few. Yes during my stay in Hawaii I was yelled at called a brat, a *****, a pill head, a liar, a drug addict, crazy, messed up and a horrible and despicable person by my own father. Yes my dad grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into a room and threw me back. Yes I thought about suicide constantly and cut until my wrists were raw for the first time in a month. But I got to live my dream and jump out of a plane and sky dive. For those few minutes free falling surrounded by beauty i felt free. The one thing that i long for most in this life; and i got to obtain it for just a few minutes and i wouldnt trade that moment to be dead right now. I got to swim underneath a water fall. I got to converse with a man who had a beautiful soul. I was able to experience the natural beauties of a land people call paradise. For those memories I am happy my past suicide attempts didnt work. My trip to Hawaii was hell, it was horrible and i hated myself for relapsing; however the memories that came out of this horrible experience were so beautiful and pure i am happy i am alive. So please take a second and contemplate the memories (even if they arent quite as extreme and and more simple) that you are happy you got to live. I do love you all and i wish you the best <3