another post about being sad

so I called the crisis line if anyone knows wat its liek to talk to them its agnozing to try to tell somone to ask for help when all people do is judge and say Its all fucking up to you really i had no idea i understand there just trying to help but i have heard it so much I have complained so much I know theres six billon people in the world but what dose it matter existence theres so much suffering in the world anyway so why do i matter. I use to be a happy kid even if shitty stuff happned i some how had this way of looking up the beatles was music I listeined to over and over their songs of love and loving on another spoke to me somone to love . As a young girl i have always wanted to get marryied and have kids. I know not everyone gets what they want. But even if i couldent have kids i wanted a guy to love and I did meet this guy and i was lucky enough to be in a realtionship with him but i fucked it up. people can say that most relationships end up in divorce and stuff but I dident want to be like that I wanted a loving good relationship thats all I have ever wanted my whole life a good loving relationship why is this so hard to aquire ?? I have called the crisis line to many times and they nevr help sersiley people can call me crazy and pyscho for wanting to die watver i dont care fuck them I’am not crazy thinking about sucide gives me relif from this horrible world. I dont trust anyone and that love feeling i once so wished for I am not even sure if love exists anymore mabe its just made up like god. idk mabe love is something fake that people tell you about as a child but no one can really have it. my ex hates me he told me i should go kill myself and ya know what hes rite Iam a fuck up iam so leathargic all i do is sleep i mean talk about a waste of space i fucking sleep more than 12 hours and sit on my computer all day thinking of ways i could succesfully kill myself i mean i really want to die but jumping in front of a train just to seems so agressive iam more passive agressive and hanging or taking a overdose of herion makes more sense then stabbing myself which would probley wouldent even work or would probley hurt alot more than hanging. I want to hang myself but i would have to do it somwere were no one would find me or were i could hang and rot it really dosent matter anymore i dont matter iam just one person in the vast of billions and i really have a good heart and just want to love my ex but he is getting a restraing order ganist me I havent even done anyhting exept leave him letters under neath his door he calls me all these bad names and it sux cause he dident begin to act like this i made this happen i made him hate me by my actions thers one thing i hate more than myself and thats the past if only i could go back to the past and change what i have done and thats what makes me want to hang myself rite now is that I fucked up iam evil if only i dident do what i did i wouldent be sitting here lonley i would be in my exs arms i just wish he missed me i wish he cared if i died i wish my sucide would mean something to anyone but iam just going to be another rotting corpse forgotten the death of a sucide its so sad people can say iam fucked up in the head watver i feel liek its not a head thign i feel like its more or less a chest thing my heart feels like it going to shoot out of my chest my chest feels so heavy my chest hurts it hurts to just to breathe i cant eat iam losing wieght and it sickens me to see myself so skinny my chest is broken my heart is broken and people just get over this shit hold shit iam almost 100 sure ill eitheir die or end up in a coma because my hate for myself at what i did in the past sickens me i want to vomit i was so selfish and such a piece of shit i want to kill myself because i treated somone so hatefulley and i want to die because of wat iid i dersve to be put down like a dog i have no more hope hopless that anyhting will work out and done trying why should i try when just taking a shower feels like a obsyacle curse i dont think i can help anyone and i dont think anyone can help me iam to stubburan and if my ex really never talks to me again it will devstate me i mean he already disconnected his phone so idont know his number but if a year gose by and he dosent even check up on me to see if iam alive well iam good as dead