I never thought I would be on this site as someone posting from a desperate place, instead of helping out through comments. But life is ironic that way, no?
Basically, I have been temporarily barred from coming back to my college senior year, due to my academic failings. There’s a whole story about how I tried hard to get recommendations to come back and how hard I tried to show my work, but that’s neither here nor there. What matters is how much this is going to affect me.
While I know that, in a year, I could take classes elsewhere, transfer back to my school, and begin again, it’s the fact that I have to do this in the first place. My family is big on public image, so any slight, any sort of shame or dishonor to them will all but (and has torn) them apart. My mom and dad are done with me, and have made me realize how ungrateful I have been to them, how embarrassed I’ve made them feel. The whole disappointment thing and more. I am going to be kicked out of my house for this slight, and fuck me if I have no plans on how to survive in the real world.
But all of my life, I have been a puppet for them. I have become less than a person in their eyes, in my friends’ eyes. I am a living construct for their hopes and dreams. To crush their expectations is like crushing their spirits. I have no sense of self-worth, because I have been taught that I should have none. My entire purpose in life is to serve.
And I have come to believe this as fact.
I have no goals that are my own. I don’t have feelings beyond what others have pointed out to me as despair. I have no skills besides what others have taught me, or what I have observed. I have no job. I am unattractive as a partner both physically and mentally, because I am too fragile.
I can’t keep doing this to them. I’ve wasted enough of their time, their money. There is no love I am worthy of. I just want to sleep. But that’s not allowed to me, is it? That would bring even greater shame, if I acted so selfishly.
But it’s so hard.
I had the pills in my hand today. I was a swallow away from being able to sleep as deeply as I wanted. With no expectations or pressures. I had to stop, however. I’m not allowed to have so much freedom. It’s forbidden. So I’ll keep living, 80+ more years, however they want me to. If it will bring them all happiness, then I will have to learn to be happy too.
But the pills. I’m so close. I have them right now too, in my hand. I’ve even started crafting a letter on my computer, to send via email once I’m done it.
It’s selfish, I know. And a permanent solution for a problem that seems so minor, and would be minor, if not for my situation.
Sleep would be nice. No thoughts. No sound.
I’m tired. So very tired. My parents are still able to produce more children, even if they’re in their early fifties. They could start over. They won’t get their money back from me, but they can start over.
I’m sure their next child will be able to be successful. Just not me. I’m too weak.
I’m sorry, mom, dad. I will try to last through the night, but there are no guarantees.