I can’t say I have a horrible life. To say that would be a lie. I’m 14 years old, my parents get along, I have a great relationship with my brother, I have the chance to eat whenever I want, etc. But all of that is unimportant, because I manage to be a depressed ball of teenage girl.
I think it started when I was 8 – my first suicide attempt. I don’t remember much about my childhood, just bits and pieces. Maybe it was my mother – she never hurt me physically, but the emotional pain inflicted on me left deep scars on my heart. I don’t think she knows what she did to me, and she never will know. Things were okay until a month after my 13th birthday. I started self harming, but not cutting. I would dig my nails deep into my flesh. Soon after that, I made the first cut. It healed in days, but scared me. Why did I do it? Then, in September, I started for real. I would cut my hips, stomach and ribcage, but most of the scars from them have faded to nothing. It wasn’t until January that I got really bad. In the space of 6 weeks, I attempted 3 or 4 times. I tried overdosing, drowning and strangulation, but nothing worked. I didn’t even land in the hospital.
The scars I have now come from a friend. Or rather, a friend who gave me good, sharp blades. Somewhat stupid, but helpful. My hips are a mess – around 40 scars piled on top of each other, and more that faded. I can’t even count them anymore – its just reds and tiny bits of white here and there. The dumbest thing I ever did, really. Sure, cutting “helped,” but it only messed me up more in the long run.
Through it all, one friend stuck by me. We talk for hours, and I’d be dead w/o him. He’s almost as bad as I am, but it seems two screwed up teenagers can keep each other afloat.
I’m still very messed up, but with his help, I’m recovering. I have my first appointment with my counselor in a few weeks. She seems crazy cool, and I think I’ll be able to stay alive. Its all I can hope for. I’m living by candle light – everything around me is dark, and I live by small pockets of warm brightness. Music, a few friends, books, etc. keep me going. I’m happier now, and it feels good. Life feels good.