Never thought I’d end up here again.
Im sitting on my bed with a pile of pills in front of me and i dont know whether or not to do it. It seems like everyone has given up on me. My mother saw my cuts and everything started falling apart. My sisters have nothing to do with me any more. My parents send me to my room a lot. My friends exclude me from many things. I just want to be normal. I want the cuts to heal, but they cant if i keep making new ones. I dont know why i cant stop.
Im a fail. I get that. But why do they have to keep reminding me? Laughing when i make a mistake or whispering behind my back. i just cant seem to climb out of this dark hole. I need a ladder. And no one is willing to give me one.
Im not strong.
But one thing has me questioning that statement:
“You arent weak. If you were weak, you wouldnt be here right now. Youre still alive. Thats saying something.”
3 comments
You aren’t that weak, even if you think you are. First of all, I don’t (clearly) know you. And, I’ve never posted on here myself despite having a login for a variety of reasons which could probably be summed up in “I’m not actually suicidal”. But, I have been. I’ve struggled. And it is something that can be overcome (though it is NOT easy).
My parents have the best of intentions. I’m actually technically an adult now I suppose, still a bit weird to say, a college student. But, they’ve never really “understood” my own mental issues. They beat me down, just like yours do. I struggle with friends too, and I’ve been teased for pretty much everything you can think of.
Personally, I deal with it by exercising. I like to exercise. I didn’t use to, but I needed a way to get out all of my anger and sadness (etc etc etc) cleanly, and I figured it was that or jump off a tall thing somewhere so I chose to exercise. If you don’t I recommend you give it a try. It can increase serotonin levels, mood, self-confidence and body image. And, depending on what you do…it’s also free, and can be done alone or with others. Yay!
Umm…randomness aside, look, you do have a lot to live for, you’re not a fail. And no one is normal. Everyone pretends to be, but they aren’t. Perhaps we’re a bit more abnormal than most, but I don’t consider that a failure of my personality, and you needn’t either (though I realize you may nevertheless).
Sometimes, we hurt ourselves because we seek to escape the pain of reality. To focus in on one thing and block out all the craziness of the world around us. It can be addictive. But, it can be to your benefit. There are many ways to escape reality while at the same time letting your body heal, as you want. Again, the key is to find something you love, (or, think you might love), preferably something active (even if not exercise…something with movement…painting sad pictures is probably not going to help you feel better), and set yourself goals. Not crazy “I’m going to climb everest!!” goals (been there…done that…doesn’t work), nice, easy, attainable goals that prove that you ARE worth something, that you ARE strong. And if you slip up? No big deal. It happens. We make mistakes.
But, your life is worth living. I don’t even know you, but I can tell by your post alone. You have a conscious. And it is a good one. 🙂
What inspires you? Do you have unrealized dreams?
I understand how you feel. I started cutting recently and was contemplating suicide. One of my friends found out and has since ceased talking to me. My whole family alienates me. I just don’t know what to do. If you need someone to talk to, I’m willing to listen…