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How it has Affected Me

by lifeisajoy

Suicide to me 4 months ago seemed like only something I would hear in long hours of health class or something that would never affect me. Living in a small town of about 7,000 people you would only hear things along the line of sporting events or town meetings. Never anything about death. Until March 13th, 2012, I was sitting in the recliner debating whether or not i should go to church that night. I decided not to because I wanted to relax for the night. My step dad and I were watching TV when all of sudden we look outside to see 2 cars pull in our driveway. This was very strange because it was 8o’ clock on a Wednesday night and we lived in the middle of nowhere. While trying to gather all my thoughts my step dad answered the door. There was 2 police officers standing there. They asked for me and some basic information about myself. I honestly thought they were there because of something stupid I did at school. Until I they said the never forgetting words of your father has committed suicide at his apartment this morning. I totally fell where I was standing. I was lost, shocked, and confused. Wondering why my father would take his life and leave his 14 year old daughter. Not ever physically being able to be there for my graduation(s), to walk me down the aisle at my wedding and to just plain never be able to see each other ever again. I needed answers but the terrible thing about suicide is there are no answers. You leave all your loved ones to wonder why, what could i have done, and why me, just because of a selfish act. My father and I hadn’t talked since Christmas because every time I saw him for a few short days or talked to him on the phone he could never put aside his problems and just talk to me. He was always in pain. He was the true definition of depressed now that I have stepped out of my denial stage and see the whole picture. I was left with all the responsibilities since I inherited everything and I was the one to make the choices. Picking out cards, what I wanted to do with his body, funeral plans, everything. From being a care free teen just a short day ago to making all these decision along with grieving my father’s death. It has been hardest thing that I have ever had to do. No one should ever be affected by suicide it’s selfish to you and your family. Life is a precious gift and we can’t take it for granted. People do care about you even though you might not think that. If you’re having a bad day realize that the next day WILL BE BETTER. I could not express more on talking to people about your problems and get help. People will listen to you and the pain will go away if you get help. It has affected my life so much and I dearly miss my father. There is not a damn day that goes by that I don’t think about him. If you need someone to talk to I will listen email me at hashley08@gmail.com. PEOPLE DO CARE!

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MichelleJ 6/17/2013 - 1:49 am

Yes. That may be true in your case, and I’m sorry for your loss. There are people though, who only care when the person has died, yet they take said persons for granted until it’s too late… It’s upsetting that in most scenarios, people don’t care until said person has died. I’m sad you feel suicide is selfish. You think it is because you’re hurt by your father’s death, and I can understand that. I know someone who killed himself years ago. II used to think he was selfish, but now I know it’s because of his mental anguish that wouldn’t go away. It doesn’t lessen my hurt at all it just makes me see that the people who have committed suicide feel that they want more than just someone who says they care. Yet I see where you’re coming from. Maybe your father was too depressed to see that you caare? Maybe he thought you did care but needed something more, something he didn’t know of. Not to make you feel belittled, it’s just hard for the person who killed themselves, to realise that you are, and were, a caring person and would have helped them had they reached out.

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