I’m really tired of fighting. Â I’ve been doing it so long – fighting physical issues, fighting mental issues – and I’m just so tired. Â I’ve tried my best, but things just keep getting worse, and I can’t see any way out of where I am. Â Everything is darkness, and the last of the light is disappearing.
I’m so afraid and so desperate that I keep reaching out to my best friend, but it all keeps going wrong. Â Somehow I end up being angry with him. Â I don’t mean to be, I just can’t seem to help it. Â Each time it happens he pulls a little further away from me. Â I understand, I don’t blame him, but it hurts so badly. Â I feel so alone. Â All I want is for him to hug me and tell me that there really is a point to going on, and that he’ll stick with me until I can find it.
But I’m losing him, and I know it’s all my own fault. Â I just can’t seem to react right to anything. Â I know that I have borderline personality disorder, that I over-react to things when I’m afraid, particularly when I feel like I’m losing somebody I care about. Â But even when I know everything is coming out wrong, I can’t seem to stop it. Â My emotions seem to get control of my mouth without letting my brain have a say. Â I hate it so much, I just want to be able to say what I feel and what I need in normal words, like everyone else does.
I feel like such a freak. Â I don’t know how to be like him, like other people. Â He says to “just ask for help” when I feel bad. Â But when I feel bad it’s like everything is pressing down on me, dark and heavy, crushing me into a tiny black corner. Â I can’t breathe, I can’t speak, I can’t physically reach out. Â I’m trapped.
Sometimes the only way to get anything out past the crushing despair is to get angry and shout. Â It’s not what I want to be doing. Â It’s just the only way I can do it. Â I get angry and say “Why didn’t you text me?” Â when what I’m trying to say is: “Please help me, I’m drowning and my arms are tied, I just want someone to see what’s happening and reach out to me!” Â I wish I could say it. Â I would give anything to be able to ask for help the way other people do.
He gets angry because I won’t do it. Â But if I could do it, why wouldn’t I? Â Why would I keep making him frustrated, angry, upset? Â I hate it when people are angry at me, and I hate it even more when they are hurt because of me. Â I say cruel things and I hate myself more than I’ve ever hated anyone or anything else in my life. Â I am broken, in all the worst ways. Â I say that I’m sorry, and I mean it with all my heart, but I don’t know if he believes me any more.
And at the same time I get frustrated, because he won’t do things to help me my way. Â There are such small things that would help, but because they don’t have any importance to him, he doesn’t bother with them. Â And that makes me angry all over again.
I know that I’m never going to be able to react right. Â I know that I’m always going to drive people away – the more I love them, the more I’m afraid of them leaving, and the more I end up driving them away. Â I have no hope that anyone will ever want to be with me, and stay with me. Â The boy who said he was my soulmate and would always be my friend, Â is slipping away, and each time I reach out to him, I just end up pushing him even further away. Â I feel like I’m covered in thorns, like I’m toxic. Â Why would anyone want to be close to me?
I just have no hope. Â My bucket is empty, the well has run dry.
I can’t stand this hurt any more. Â This pain in my chest never stops. Â The darkness is crushing me and I can’t fight it any more. Â I haven’t felt anything good – hope, joy, freedom, enthusiasm, warmth – in so long. Â I can’t even remember when they drained from my life. Â I’ve been living in the frigid cold and the utter dark and everything I eat is bitter, everything I touch is sandpaper. Â I’m tired of putting on the mask, every day, just so people won’t worry. Â (He doesn’t like it if I don’t wear my mask.)
I don’t know what to do. Â People keep telling me not to kill myself, but nobody will tell me how to live.
If even my soulmate ends up hating me, what hope do I have?
6 comments
Feeling like a freak is something many people can relate too, myself included.
It’s difficult when you feel completely misunderstood and alien to other people. I sincerely feel for you. Mental illness is so misunderstood and frustrating because it isn’t visible to help people understand.
In my younger days I felt that it could never ever get better. It has somewhat gotten easier. With age it seems less of a concern about what other people think, but it is still strong and painful.
My advice is to not be afraid of the pain and hang in there. Easy to say and hard to do, I know.
I can completely empathise with you, and that really breaks my heart to even think that someone else feels the way I do. When I read your passage it felt as if it was me saying it from my feelings, and to hear it from someone else is really sad. With the whole pushing people away because you need their help but the more you need them the more you push away is a constant battle. Not having anyone to understand the way you feel is the most isolating feeling, it feels as if you are the only person who has these thoughts but everyone with a mental illness feels the same you are not alone and to anyone reading this I am here for you all, because I know what it feels like to be surrounded by people but be the most lonely and frightened x
“People keep telling me not to kill myself, but nobody will tell me how to live.”
^This.
Only “someone like you” would be able to understand “how you are” well enough to be able to “tell you how to live.”
It seems to me, from your words, that you have reached a crossroads… both with your friend, and within yourself. It seems that you are either in the middle of, or on the brink of, realizing that you and this person are not really compatible… but that doesn’t mean you don’t or won’t care about them. It’s a heartbreaking situation.
You say you don’t want him to hate you… but the only alternative to unpleasant interaction, might be no interaction. Sometimes inaction is better than doing the wrong thing. Sometimes leaving it alone, is better than making it worse. You don’t have to “go dark” or anything, but you might just need to let go. Let the necessary distance manifest itself naturally. Don’t push, but don’t pull. Sometimes, it’s just time for people to grow apart. Maybe what you think you need, is actually hindering your recovery and development.
Either way, i’m not you and i don’t know how it is… but i know how that line i quoted feels, and i know that the answer is this: they want to help, but they don’t know how. You might not even know, yourself… but you’re the only one who will ever be in the best position to figure yourself out, and figure out what help you need, so that when people act like they want to help, you can say “i need [_____].” Don’t be surprised, though, if it turns out to be something only you can help you with. Maybe someone can help you figure out ‘you,’ but ultimately, “how to live” is on you.
So yeah. Don’t kill yourself. Figure out how to live in a way that works for you. You’re the only one who can tell you what’s right for you, what works for you, and thus “how to live.” So do that. Tell yourself how to live.
It sounds like these people have pretty good advice. Please don’t give up on yourself. Your soulmate may need to learn to be more patient or maybe you will eventually move on to someone else, which isn’t the end of the world.
Hope things get better for you 🙂
‘People keep telling me not to kill myself, but nobody will tell me how to live.’ my new favorite quote. Reminds me of ‘While I thought I was learning how to live, I’ve been learning how to die.’
I understand you 100% especially since people are always like you can talk to me but when I do they either don’t understand AT ALL or they react in a horrible way or I just feel like I’ve over-shared and now they’ll want to drift away from me. You’re really not alone with this, always remember that.
With regards to how we experience our lives we are alone, in the end the only person that experiences what we experience is ourselves.
Expecting others to tell us how to live is unreasonable. Sure people want to help and sometimes they inspire us and in that why show us how we might live but that revelation must still pass through our own filters and awareness.
Being alone is scary, and I wonder how much of depression is rooted in a false belief of what alone is.