I think my life isn’t half bad. In fact others tell me “what do you have to be sad about?.. you have it so good”. Well, Â you see I actually feel invisible. I don’t feel Â like a matter or have a purpose on this earth. I am 22.. I thought when you become older you stop feeling this way because of hormones. But these past few months I haven’t felt well. So far I don’t eat very much lately, I’ve been wanting to change how I look, I’ve been drinking more than I used to. And I would commit suicide only if I wasn’t hurting those I would leaving behind. And Â I’m scared of death so that stops me from doing it. But If I wasn’t afraid of death I would probably mix some Ammonia and Bleach together when my roomates and boyfriend are not home. I mean is it normal when you know what song you want to played at your funeral and what kind of flowers you want displayed? Im always crying and I need to stay strong, but I don’t want to tell anyone close to me because Im afraid they will respond with “oh.. you’re just saying that for attention” or they will say” Oh My God… I’m going to call the police on you ” and make such I huge deal about it. At this point I am desperate and just want someone to care.
i feel the same way and i feel sad because i understand what you felt in those times you don’t have others by your side..
Although I don’t have a boyfriend, I feel like I can relate a bit. I’m 22 as well, in a similar position of not having a bad life. I know that it is worrisome to talk to people close to you about it because some people do respond that way, but if there’s anyone that you know that might have depression, see if you can talk to them about it. They’ll know the feeling and they likely wouldn’t “overreact” to what you’re telling them.
If you don’t have someone like that… I’d say choose someone to talk to that you can really trust to not tell anyone else. I have a counselor I talk to at school about these things, and I’ve told her about my “fleeting thoughts” as I kinda call them.. sort of suicidal but I’ve reaffirmed with her that I know myself well enough that I’m not going to ever go through with that, and that because I know I’m not going to harm myself, she doesn’t have any right to call up some place to have me institutionalized for a time.
Although I don’t know what song I want played at my funeral, nor the flowers, I only know what I don’t want played and I swear, when I write my will I am going to write down that I don’t want “On Eagle’s Wings” played for me.
And surprisingly, as much as I hate the taste of alcohol, I’ve drank more this semester because of stress and wanting to escape rather than out of leisure as I normally might… so… idk I can kinda relate.
I’m sorry you feel that way. Ignore the ignorant people who say you have nothing to be sad about. Major depression is chemical imbalance mixed with life circumstances, it is not simply an “I don’t feel happy today”. I hate people who say you have no reason to be depressed Or suicidal. They don’t understand and probably won’t until they experience it.