I feel so desperate having no where else to vent to but lately I’ve been so alone. My friend and I had a shopping trip and I jokingly say we should have a sisterhood for a sweater and she says “I might be able to fit into your clothes but our other friend definitely  won’t ” and she may not realize it but that was her calling me fat. I hate when she always hints indirectly that I am the fat friend. And I’ve been on my way loosing weight. I’ve lost 15 so far and plan on another 30 but I just don’t think that will be enough anymore. I want to be the skinny friend, I want to go back to school and surprise people with my weightloss. And the thing is my friend has Ana and I’ve been watching documentaries just to understand her better but I seem to enjoy the thought of not eating and loosing weight. I know it’s not healthy just by looking at my friend ad talking toher. The only reason why I’m so scared is that after meals now I can think my way into feeling physically sick. And I started self harm a while ago and it all started with a little research and an idea and I just can’t do this gain to myself because I’ve been self harming for a year and a half and I just can’t develop an eating disorder but always being the fat friend and reminded of my weight makes it so easy to just skip a few meals or exercise a whole bunch. Any words of wisdom? I can’t tell my parents and my only friend is too busy getting high now to even care.
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Also being the “fat friend” that I am… I am looking to lose some weight but for the most part, I’ve learned to accept it and sort of enjoy it. I doubt that’s helpful but… I know that there’s some things I snack on that are fairly healthy, at least compared to other options but still keep my tummy full and keep me from eating “junk food.” Sunflower seeds and popcorn are my two big ones, though they’re super salty and I’m always dehydrated but… since I know I don’t always eat meals just because of my schedule and sleep pattern (at most, lately I’ve been eating 1 meal per day).
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being the “fat friend” either though. For me, I can’t imagine what it would be like to be ‘skinny’. I think I’d look super unhealthy if I was. I currently wear size 20 jeans (you don’t have to share your size with me, I just wanted to give a little perspective to you of where I’m at) and sometimes I fit into 16s for dresses and skirts, but I don’t wanna go any smaller.
Also… this might help a little bit, I don’t know but this definitely helped me a little: don’t keep checking the scale. If you do work out, try to feel where you are with your clothes. Muscle weighs more than fat, but it’s slimming so you can weigh a lot more than you look. People say I don’t look my weight because of the way that I carry it, but I have a fair bit of muscle on me too because I used to dance.
I hope this might help a little, at least with the weight situation.
Thank you! I get what you mean though like dont go by weight but I’ve been trying to limit it to once a week just because it drives me insane I I don’t know. And my lord popcorn is my weakness too 😛
Ah, I’m away from a scale a lot of times so I can’t even check if I wanna but I try to go with how I’m feeling. Yeah, I binge eat sometimes and then I go without eating sometimes, but if I’m generally feeling good then I’m okay. If I feel abnormally tired or breathless walking up 4 flights of stairs to my room, I check but yeah… popcorn is evil 😛 especially when bought in bulk.