I need advice

It was only recently that I’d stumbled across a site like this, somewhere to put my thoughts, with complete strangers, unbiased views of a life.

As is everyone else for being here, I wish to end my life.

In my family, I am the oldest, naturally, the one with the highest of expectations.
I was also, in all technically, a bastard child, one with a father, if that should even be used, whom left, and said I was being created in the belly of a slut mother, who slept with everyone but him, hereby resulting in me not being blood to him.
As expected, he was simply a coward, Tests came back in my mother’s favour, giving her child support.
During my mother’s pregnancy, She was caught up in multiple dangerous events, a car crash, toxemia (if I did not spell that correct, I apologize.) Labor for two days, and other numerous things.
All in which she was badly hurt, and I should have died.

I did not.

At my birth, She was paralyzed on the left side of her face.
Another thing I had caused.

She had to feed, clothe, and take care of me, being first borne, I was coddled.
I, returned her act’s of kindness and generous behaviours, by being a child from hell.
Wishing her dead, being violent and disruptive.

I regret them now.
Age was no excuse, I should’ve behaved better.

As I grew older, she was married, and had another child.

I was instantly jealous, as expected.

I grew cold to this child.
I’ve done nothing but treat my sister badly.
I’ve done nothing but treat my Mother badly.

I ignored her, now ex husband.

again, my mother tried to find love in the arms of men, time and time again, I would become attatched, until they were abruptly removed for thir cruelty to my mother.

they all said how I was so much like them.

eventually, my mother met one man, and they dated for three years.
in that time, he eventually began ‘lecturing’ me, on the basis of Anatomy.
I will not go into this, because it is shameful for me to have allowed him to do what he had done. I was too scared, and too ashamed to admit what had happened.

So i did not until I was fourteen.
Even then, my shame was at full bloom, I should not have said a word, and naturally, I have not drawn it to the attention of the court.

she eventually left him, and got a restraining order due to him growing violent.

She met a man, at a point, falling in love, moving in with him, I tried to connect, because she was so sure he was the one.

in the end, he hurt her.

but she returned to him.

I tried so hard to reconnect, but in the end, I began to resent him.

He had two children of his own, I liked them somewhat, and they both looked up to me.

It felt nice, having a family.

Eventually, my mother was pregnant, adding yet another girl to our bunch.
I vowed to do better for this one.

there was complications, and the baby needed a trake. (again. I’m sorry if I misspell.)

The baby is currently in a hospital, and Is doing well, she talks and walks, at the age of one, I believe.

The two children of her, now Fiancee, have wronged us, after I grew attatched to them.

My Uncle had made a comment, about the oldest of his grandfather being a pedophile.
In all honesty, I agree, he makes me uncomfortable, and I feel as if he may lash out at anytime.
The person he had told this too, however, was bad, and quickly told said Grandfather and Grandmother of his comment.

they convinced the Fiancee’s children to say my Uncle was a pedophile.
He was banned from seeing his own family, and DCF was involved, though they found no evidence of pedophilia.

He was innocent, but made to suffer.

These children are now forced to live with their mother, due to the Grandparents design.
They constantly heckle my Mother and Her Fiancee.
At one point, the Grandfather chased them down as the Fiancee dropped off his children, called my mother a “Fat Whore” and said he would fight them, attempting to run them off the road.
He then threatened the Fiancee’s Job, saying he would be fired.

In response, my mother nolonger allowed him to see the Baby.

They turned the entire Fiancee’s family against us.

Things have only gone more and more downhill, and I’ve done little to help, forcing my mother to tears with my anger.

I don’t know why I’m Angry.
I don’t know why I’m Sad.

I try everything to keep myself happy.

I roleplay.
I lose myself in videogames.
I become interested in TV shows and videos.
Collect Cards and figures.
Anything to try and smile.

they’ve all begun to fall me.

Wanting things is bad, because we have little to no money.

Having likes and dislikes for food is bad, because we barely make it every month.

All I do is gobble up money.

Even worse, I’ve begun to consider becoming a man.
I dropped the idea of sex changes to my Mother, inconspicously, and she said it was an abomination.

I cannot hurt her anymore.
But it seems everything I do is bad.

I’ve run out of reasons to live. The Cons outweigh the Pros.
I understand that my family will miss me, perhaps even my friends, but only because I’m human.
In time, they will forget about me, just as they have with other dead.

I’ve been thinking of mixing Ammonia and Bleach, due to those being easy household chemicals.

I tried to make a pact with myself to live until Twenty, But I can’t make it.
I’m never happy.
I don’t help anyone but myself.
I only hinder.
I need to stop hindering