I think it’s time to take a walk

And I have no idea why I’m posting it here but, I am.  I’m exhausted.  The only true smile that has come to my face in the past few years was just before my attempt several weeks ago – the rest of the time it has been this forced curvature which, I must say, I’ve become quite the expert at creating.  The sadness.  The consistent failures.  The burden I’ve been to so many for so long.  Iit’s just so tiring.

For almost 30 days I’ve had no contact with anyone in my personal life save three individuals one being my “brother” who lives quite literally thousands of miles away.  I spoke with him about the difficulties I’ve been having lately and even of my past attempts, which were unknown to him.  We talked for almost two hours with me speaking most of the time.  I told him how it felt just before; how I felt so calm and relieved knowing it would be over soon.  I expressed my frustration and explained how painful and sorrowful it made me feel when I made that trek to my bridge only to discover it had been fenced off.  How furious I became at myself for not realizing it had been constructed.  He said I was “in crisis”.  Indeed.

For the past week I’ve read every blog article I can find and watched every video about those who have exited. I’ve scoured the web to find the newspaper reports of those on this forum who have finally found peace.  I’ve watched countless documentaries on the subject of jumpers and “how sad it must be” but you know something?  Every time the screen showed a person exiting from a bridge and landing into water or onto pavement I cried uncontrollably with a level of empathy for these people I’ve never felt in my entire life.  I could feel their despair and agony.

As they approached their spot I watched intently as they made their last farewells to this world and took the final step.  I studied every movement as they fell – how their body turned or how they held their arms straight out as if they were at last welcoming the final end to their pain.  Each time I watched I held my breath and sat up with my eyes wide open completely and utterly motionless – taking in every minute detail.  And when the camera captured the end I heard myself let out a moan as the tears began flowing.

I’m just so tired.  I took a walk today to the other side of town and discovered another bridge.  I inspected every aspect: the height, the angles, the traffic and later a bit of research to find this indeed is a place of exit.  After, I spiffy’d up the house all nice and tidy  – plants are watered and healthy, everything is in its’ place and a handy reference guide to all things concerning my life such as policies, pass-codes, final wishes, etc are readily available in that nice leather-bound folder I received a few years back from an employer for “a job well done”.

I spoke with my brother again just a short while ago for about an hour or so but there was no discussion of our previous topic rather, it was simply a congenial Sunday evening telephone conversation.  Near the end of the call I did thank him for being there for me and told him I would see him again soon.  And that was that.  And now … I’m calm.  Everything seems “right”.

So in a short while I’ll be making a final check on the place as I turn out the lights and head out the door.  If this is the time to exit then I wish each of you who expressed kindness to me a wonderful thank-you. I think it’s time to take a walk.