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I’m crazy..

by JotoAssCat

i started hallucinating about 4 days ago.  i also have a voice in my head. i fight with it a lot. it tells me everything it hates about me, about how i don’t deserve to be happy no matter how much i wish i was.. and it hurts. i used to say those things to myself, and now a part of me got cut off and just lives in my head. i’ll have a good time with my friends, and it will tell me not to smile because my smile is ugly. i’ll put makeup on and it will tell me nothing can fix my face. i told my little sister this, and she thinks i’m schizophrenic. lately i have had to beg my family to take me to the therapist. i’ve been short-sleeved for about 2 weeks, and they still don’t see the 45+ cuts on my arm.  they don’t even bother to try to see through me because they are so blinded by the fact they think i’m perfectly fine. the other day i was crying really hard on the bathroom floor, all i remember is staring into the bathtub and then having the shower curtain tied around my neck. i pulled it off, sat down and started crying again. i just want to be .. ohkay ..

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kmom 6/14/2013 - 9:58 am

I just stumbled across this website and your post caught my eye and touched my heart. I lost my brother in 2007 and my 18 year old son in 2009 to suicide so I know a bit about mental illness , suicidal ideation and extreme grief. You have an illness that can be treated and should be treated. There is a fighter inside you or you would not still be here. You have an illness like no other, it’s not your fault and there is no shame in having a mental illness. Please call the crisis hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and get their advice and ask them to call your family. Call them frequently if you need to. Some counselors are more helpful than others. You need to be on meds and counseling would be helpful as well. Help is out there…you may have to try several things until you find what works for you but keep trying. Your situation can change…you can be happy again but you have to fight for it. I’ve seen people come back from the brink time and time again despite severe mental illness and go on to live happy lives. I read some of my son’s journal and was shocked to realize just how severe his illness had become. I would imagine that your family loves you but is just ignorant of the severity of your illness as well. Unfortunately, that’s very common. Mental illness has been a taboo topic in our society for so long that most folks just do not recognize it or understand it. (That is slowly changing…thank God!) You need to open up to them and pound it in to their heads just how severe and serious your illness is and tell them you need their help getting treatment. PLEASE DO THAT! Perhaps, let them read your post. If money is a problem, ask the folks at the crisis hotline for recommendations for free or low-cost treatments. Wishing you peace and healing in the days ahead!!!!! <3

kmom 6/14/2013 - 10:01 am

Oh, and you are not crazy! You have a mental illness. You are not your disease!

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