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It’s like Lower School all over again…

by OddOneOut

There were these kids…they liked to push me over, then leave me alone until I was just on my feet again and getting up, where they would push me to the floor again.
Every time I was getting up I thought that they wouldn’t do it again, that it’d be the last time. But every time, they did it again. It was the worst form of taunting I’ve ever faced. The giving one hope then pushing to the floor (literally, in this case) act. Nothing is worse than giving a person hope then, just as that hope is settling in, destroying one’s life again.

I just never knew my own father would do that to me now…
continuously…
Knowingly…
and yet without conscious thought….
simply because, he doesn’t know me.
His own son.

He may think he does, but he has no idea who I am anymore. And he doesn’t even try to know. All he sees is a well-built boy who now needs to become an adult, and therefore he will start treating him like an adult without any sort of preparation or warning that a father may have given his son when he was growing up.Too busy with his own life and problems, too busy with his own things, that he never knew the son who was constantly changing, right under his nose. The one who should have been there when that son needed someone to talk to, and yet found no-one, wherever he turned.

Now, you have me. A son whom you do not know.
And the worst part is, you think you know.
You THINK you know…
Please, just be the guy that you’ve been in my mind for all this time.
A benefactor.
Once father and now, purely, my benefactor.

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4 comments

telly34 6/11/2013 - 10:06 am

I have felt the same way myself sometimes.

clevername 6/11/2013 - 10:11 am

I can relate, somewhat. But in my own circumstances, i can’t blame my father for decisions he was not allowed to make, due to the decisions made by my mother. Above all else, i respect my father for his perseverance, and for his ability to do whatever he must. It’s weird how much alike we are, despite having spent so little time together. Of those who came before me, i probably blame him the least, for the setting of the stage by my predecessors. Considering the information i have, i am frankly impressed that he was able to make a decent life for himself. He was always reachable, ready and waiting in the distance, just in case i ever needed anything… even though my mom’s decisions pretty much kept us apart for most of my life. I can’t be certain, but i don’t think that was ever her goal. I think she just was desperate and didn’t know what she was doing, or how to make a life in which she didn’t have to rely upon some man. And so, she ended up relying on my now-former step-dad, for many years, and i have no shame in suggesting that he ruined her life, and mine, and even did a pretty shitty job of raising his own daughters. And now he likes to act like an enlightened “native” holy man. He is one of the main reasons i was not allowed access to the proper developmental tools and never had an environment conducive to personal growth. He is the main reason i didn’t get to do what i needed to be doing, when i needed to be doing it, when i was young enough to cultivate myself and transform potential into self-actualization. He is the main reason that most of my life was “stolen” from me, only to be wasted on countless unnecessary problems, instead of anything worthwhile. And then one day i found myself in the middle of an overwhelmingly excessively difficult, incompatible life, that i could not successfully convert into anything motivating.

And if i try to explain such things to anyone, it’s all too easy for them to just say: “stop blaming your parents and take responsibility for yourself.”

But if you make someone choose between 1 and -1 their whole life, don’t be surprised if they never encounter a series of choices that results in fulfillment.

I’ve spent my whole life playing defense, always trying to choose the least bad or least damaging of all available options, because “choosing good and right things” was never really available. It was a few times, though, and that’s what i chose, then. I’ve seen the difference. That’s how i know there is one.

Parents get bad advice from other parents all the time. It’s possible this has occurred.

Idk, i just felt like sharing some thoughts.

OddOneOut 6/11/2013 - 10:38 am

Thanks clevername. Always nice to hear your thoughts 🙂

I also admire my father in many ways. How he moved to an entirely new country where nobody knew him and he knew no-one, and he didn’t even speak English very well back then. He created a life for us, and went through all the shit and still came out decent on the other side.
Even when 2008~9 hit. my father was able to rise up again after a short slump and I admire him for that.
And I 100% agree on people simply telling us to “stop blaming our parents and get on with your life”.
But is it that wrong for a child to depend on his/her parents? And is it wrong for them to go through troubling times when those parents have provided not what the child actually needs, but what the parents thought the child needed due to their hubris and unchangeable train of thought that they know everything?
Is it that wrong?

clevername 6/11/2013 - 11:12 am

Well… right or wrong, i think it’s natural to be troubled when needs go unmet. It’s possible that some people just… aren’t cut out for the whole “parenting” thing. It’s hard to be good at something no one taught you how to do. Offspring are naturally dependent on their parents, but the idea is to teach offspring to become their own person, independent, self-sufficient and self-reliant. Doing is one thing, teaching is another. An independent, self-sufficient, self-reliant person, as a parent, may not know how to teach those things to their offspring.

Who knows. Maybe your dad’s just going through some stuff of his own, and doesn’t know what to do. Maybe he’s just now hitting some harsh realizations about some things, and doesn’t really have an appealing or pleasant solution.

When you spend your whole life doing things certain ways, thinking you know what you’re doing, thinking you’re right, and then later realize things weren’t how you thought they were or should be… or things just didn’t go the way you worked to manifest… it can be hard to handle, hard to internally reconcile, hard to resolve… and probably both frustrating and confusing.

They were probably raised to “believe” that if you do the right things and the good things, then it should pay off and work out. But sometimes people go through life believing things, only to later realize they were wrong about what they believed… despite the fact that “belief” is often the one thing that makes the largest contribution to the ability to overcome adversity.

So… how does one handle such a scenario? What do you do when you reach senior status and suddenly realize you were wrong about a lot of stuff you were sure you knew? How does it feel to see results that don’t match your efforts, before realizing you were wrong about something? How does it feel to still believe you were right, did the best you could, but somehow things didn’t work out? You question yourself, and every event, endlessly, trying to piece it all together, wondering where you went wrong, what you could have done differently… and it’s exhausting… and i think most people, when faced with such a scenario, tend to sort of let go. “I did what i thought was right, but the wrong things happened. I did the best i could at the time, and i wish things had been different. I don’t know what to do now, except to hope that you’ve learned enough to be okay without my help… because i don’t know how, or if i can even help.” Maybe some people just get tired of being parents… especially when things don’t work out how they expected or hoped.

Of course, this is all just wild speculation, as i have no idea about the family dynamic you experience… but it is what it is, i guess. 😛

I don’t think it’s wrong for children to need their parents to be parents.

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