Just deciding how…

I recently lost that one thing. I got no goodbyes, she just gossiped it to her friends that my number was deleted and I was officially out of her life completely and for good. I know that line is wrong, it’s terribly wrong. I guess it qualifies as a reason I guess, though, that I’m staying around for my mother; she said “If you somehow go before me, they had better make two caskets.” That’s not fair to me, but I understand the feeling. The absolute epitome, the epicenter of the concentration of all of your love…goes away. Be it child or lover, it makes you no longer willing to live. A good friend recently tried to go with her boy; he passed away at 12 from leukemia, and she tried to be with him. I’m chasing that same feeling; I want to just die instead of face another second of being without her. But my friend’s situation to mine, at least she devoted all of her love to someone who loved her back with all his might, and strove to live as long as he could just to love her as much as he possibly could. I can’t say that. I strove to love someone who did an excellent job convincing me she loved me as much. But the love reciprocated was apparently just mimed, by her own admission. So I really would prefer to have never loved. My depression was hefty when I never loved, but having loved my depression is exponentially worse now.