I went to my old high school today. It was awful. I arrived and I couldn’t find anyone for a while so I just decided to randomly walk around the building for a while. I got made fun of for wearing my sunglasses indoors by some random dude (really? REALLY???) who apparently thought I was ‘trying to be cool’ (in reality I was just really fucking stoned… how sheltered are these people?)… I eventually ran into an old teacher of mine who found one of my old friends and I went to sit with her and two other visitors (apparently, she’s really popular??). I was the odd one out, again, because I am just fucking different. I dress differently (jeans I cut off myself, my dad’s jacket… sunglasses), I have different hobbies, talk about different things (also I was just being high and goofing around, and these people are the biggest anti-stoners on the planet so you can kinda get the issue here…). I just couldn’t connect with them you know. I accidentally punched my old friend because she sneaked up on me and it scared me sooo badly. It wasn’t her intention of course so it was kinda embarrassing…. one of the other visitors bought us all food after my friend was done with school, which was nice but it makes me feel guilty someone spent money on me, and I can never pay them back. So I went home.
And when I got home, I felt even lonelier. Eventually I realised why: it is because going made me realise going back to my old friends is just really not an option, because they are so different from myself. Which means I need to find new friends some other way…. I just wish people would chill with me man… I’m really not that bad, I am really quite nice.. sometimes… right? I can be fun, really, I just need to go out more… RIGHT? Nah, it’s true, I just am a horrible person to be with, going on the two months since I had fun in a social situation, and apparently that was enough to turn everyone against me. Because ever since they have been acting fucking weird, avoiding me n acting weird and stuff. Next week, I might go to a psychedelic music festival at the beach, the people I apparently turned against me are going too. I’m going to try to talk to them for a bit, but if they are still acting fucked up I will probably still go, I’ll end up having fun… probably…
4 comments
Believe me when I say, you are not weird. I read your essay and actually laughed when you said you punched your friend accidentally LOL. You seem like a friendly, chill and funny person. And who cares if someone makes fun of you. Laugh at them! Cuz they’re ignorant and don’t know the real you!
No one hated you I’ll bet. They are all just jealous. You’re such a beautiful girl!
Haha,
You sound like a girl I used to know at one point.
I don’t post here much anymore, because people got all their other problems and don’t need mine, but here’s the deal.
There was this girl I knew. Kindest thing ever. One who hurt lots though. She would pretend things wouldn’t matter to her, but they did. I could see she needed some love, so I gave her friendship and stuff.
You’re beautiful? I wouldn’t know. I’m blind, but the fact of the matter is, people may have said, “Oh you’re beautiful, so you should have friends”.
But if you are generally a sweet girl, things can work for you.
Drop me a line if needed. If you want, email me. brl.cents@gmail.com
Ask me if you want for my number, and we can talk. I really know what it’s like to be lonely. Believe me, I’m lonely every single day.
Sounds like me. Shorts i cut myself, dyed hair, hoodie under my uniform shirt at school. I stood out too much and was also the ivnerse, the kids at my school were stoners, heavy drug users, and the regular pot smokers. I don’t do drugs so of course I was wayyyy out there in their eyes. Ah i planned to visit my high school but I feel that it I will have the same kind of fun as you had, or worse the vice principal will tell me I’m not allowed on school grounds anymore. At my school if you leave or get kicked out you aren’t allowed to ever come back. I graduated but I had a troubled school life and was constantly in trouble so good reasons/excuse for them to deny me entry. I’m quite sorry that you endured that Ford. It’s a trip going back to somewhere from your past and feeling worse about it all than you did before.