Manifestation of the Essence

The painful reality dooms on me everyday- that this isn’t for me but I don’t feel like I’m giving up anymore, I just feel like I’m giving in to the inevitable.

It is a bitter sweet world, consisting of unfathomable wonder, endless mystery and ceaseless pain but I’ve only been getting a taste of the bitter and the pain. This world breaks my heart, and I’m too sensitive to bear it. All the suffering and anguish, that I cannot do nothing about. It affects me, maybe it shouldn’t, why should I be so concerned about every ones pain? But this is who I am unfortunately.

It’s been a long long 21 years, with  melancholy taking over every inch of me. Years wasted on excavating for the innocent soul I lost years ago and holding the suffocating masks against my face. I’m a mere empty shell walking around, alive but dead inside.. the irony. Since I was a child, I’ve been tired, waiting for my last breath, on a death bed since I was born.

My life holds no meaning, an epic tragedy, if there is God or a higher power, they don’t like me much. And what hurts more than anything is.. I don’t understand what I did to deserve such horror, a child. That’s when I started to pray every night,  for colorful wings under my shoulder blades fluttering against my little body and lifting me up to the heavens so I could a escape the depths of hell some refer to as home. Silent prayers, whispered under a thousand useless stars. How can waking up every morning feel like torture? Drowning by your own sadness is the worst kind of fate because tomorrow awaits for you with what seems like an ocean.

I curse the blood that runs through my veins, for I share it with people I loathe. I curse who I am more than the ones who made me this way, because I am the one who has to live in this shell, being at war with myself, a constant bloodshed.

I’ve attempted suicide, but writing this makes it clear I haven’t succeeded, I chase death, dream of death, death, death, death, death, the last ballad on my lips, but I never seem to get close enough, outreached fingers waiting, an unrequited love.