They bring up memories. They bring up pain. They bring up the past. There is no gain. Only loss. I want to cry so badly right now. And I feel– Know– nobody cares. You may say you do, but I know the truth. I look at my screensaver, I read them. Obesity. I’ll always be it. Ugly. I’ll always feel it. Depression. I’ll never outgrow it. Stupid person saying he can make everything better. But guess what happened last time someone said that?? “I… Kinda met…. Someone.” Then he left. He never talks to me anymore. I didn’t want to be in a relationship. That’s not what upsets me. What upsets me is that he said he’d make things better and always be there for me, yet where the hell is he? Then the first guy brings up bad memories of everyone saying they cared and leaving me. And I tell him that I can’t be happy and he tells me he will. I need to trust him. Yeah. What the fuck ever. God, if you’re there, kill me now. Strike me down. Bludgen me to death. KILL ME. I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. I don’t even have anymore tears. I don’t have a point. Maybe, just maybe, my point is to die. My point is to make a point to people about what the fuck of a wimp and a child I am that I’m so WEAK as to kill myself. Or maybe I have no point. And weak people break. I’m surpr- never mind, I’m only here BECAUSE I’m weak. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. I HATE MYSELF. I WANT TO GET A SHARP RAZOR AND CUT MY ARM OPEN. I WANT TO HANG FROM A TREE. I WANT TO SHOOT MYSELF IN THE HEAD. I WANT TO DIEEEE!!!!!
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2 comments
Some people are no good at all. I hope you find someone who will treat you like a person and not like a dog. You need to be treated better than this. It’s not your fault that some people choose to be bad people.
No one said this life is like a sprint race. It is a marathon and what you are today doesn’t mean you will always be that way. The best thing in my opinion on how to get through this is to guard you mind and your heart. Be careful what you let in your thoughts and who you let in your heart. So much garbage out there to fill our minds and hurtful people who can hurt our hearts. When the right person comes along, it won’t make a difference what we look like but what is important is what we have inside. You have been hurt and it isn’t your fault. God loves you too much to strike you down. Sounds corny but it is true. A strong relationship with him will never lead to disappointment and that anger and hurt will turn to peace and love and people will see that you are happy and want to be around you because you have something special. Something so lacking in this world and so needed. I like turtles and used to catch them as a boy never really knowing why but now I know. Turtles are always moving forward and never looking back. They can’t and only if we could be that way. Don’t dwell on the past because we can never change it. Thank you for posting and it is good to get it out and off your chest.