My story of nothing

(I think this is another form of throwing up)

I grew up in a family that seemed okay financially.  It would have been better

but my father liked guns.  He spent a lot of money on guns and rifles.  We

were mostly taken care of, but we always had less than other kids at my school.

I was a shy kid, and played video games.  My dad played a huge role in

my shyness; he ruled my home with fear.  A huge paddle from his college was

used for disciple in our home.  (or he would just yell at me for little things)

I’m not against spankings for children, but it was part of the ‘fear-ruled’ house

I’m describing.  Then you have my mother who is an extreme christian.  That

is the other part of the fear in my house.

 

(I was EXTREMELY outgoing as a child, and I know what happened..

sadly, I listened to my father always telling me I talk too much..  and I

changed into the me I am now.)

 

If you don’t do this, hell!  If you don’t do that, hell!  ..and remember you are

a christian, so you’re different than everyone else!(and I am different than

everyone else even now, because of all this BS thinking and brain-washing..

I have a hard time connecting with others)

 

I couldn’t go to any friend’s house.  I couldn’t have normal music that my

friends were listening to.  I was miserable.  The only escape was video games.

My mom hated those too, but dad got them for me so she couldn’t say too

much.  My mother and father would scream and yell at one another.  My

mother being an extreme christian, was extremely sensitive to any ‘bad’ things

on TV.  So if a woman in a bikini was on a commercial selling beer, dad and

mom were destined to fight.  Sometimes fighting involved more than just

words.  He would throw items that my mother loved(or had made herself)

against the wall(and they would break of course).  He pushed her down in the

hallway a few times too.  After a lot of these things happened, I had my first

thought of suicide..  I was ignoring most of the bad environment around me

until they took away my only outlet(video games).  I will say that I lost this

outlet for a good reason; I had low grades in a few of my classes at school.

One main reason that I had low grades was my home environment.  I just

stopped caring about life and school to a certain degree.

 

I was still sort of a care-free child somehow after all this..

(A lot of things happened at school and home that I don’t want to get into..

or this will be too long)

 

My father killed himself on January 15th 2000.  It was during my last

semester of the senior year of highschool.  I was always a introvert, but

I became even more like that afterwards.  My mother was with

my father when he shot himself, and she couldn’t stop crying.  I felt nothing,

empty, dead..   I was void of all emotions, until a few nights later.

 

I.. had changed.  I got into some drugs(mostly pot), smoked cigarettes, and

hung out with the wrong people.  After two years, I got a job on night shift at

a Wal-Mart.. then a while later got on days, met the girl I still love..    sounds

good, right?    It was.. but, she had two kids, and  it was my first real

relationship..  (can you imagine the potential problems now?) I tried, but I

was still so messed up from the past.  She wasn’t perfect either, but she had

more experience with life.  We broke up probably 3 times..   each time

destroyedwhat feelings I had gained since my father’s suicide.  I was left with

negativity, anger, resentment, regret..  I wanted to kill myself..

 

hell was living every day for no reason..

I felt like my father had escaped this hell, leaving us behind..

During all that time, my mother was always preaching about God to me..

even if I was in a good mood, after hearing that I wanted to kill myself again..

 

Now here’s the problem..    almost 13 years my family was finally broken, I’m

alone..   still trapped inside myself after all these years..

 

I’m going to college, but I just can’t care a lot of the time..  I can’t give my

best effort..  I get good grades, but I don’t remember things like I should..   I’m

thinking it’s because of being unable to care..    I can’t see my future and I know

I’m a horrible person that is too selfish and strange to fit into normal society..

 

so here I am..   and I can’t seem to change myself or care..   I can only care for

others, and even that comes in small quantities certain days..

 

..and I didn’t include it, but I’ve even had trouble working out in the world..

can’t care, not as fast as others, can’t seem to please my boss..

and in the end people hating me when in my mind I’ve done nothing to invoke

such emotions..  I’m left confused and more sad(and then worthless)

 

(please don’t judge my grammar, I’m intelligent..  but too emotionally screwed

and tired)

 

lastly, I don’t blame my parents like it sounds in this post..   I can’t even seem

to do that, and I end up just feeling worse if I do blame them because they’re

family even after all this  :(   (but after my dad killed himself, it wouldn’t be

right to blame my mother, she’ screwed up too..)

My brother(who I didn’t mention) is just another distance person too.

and my friends are very few now..