Nights

For whatever reason, nights are always the hardest for me. It doesn’t matter what happens during the day, whether I was elated or devastated about one thing or the other, I would still end up here, lying in the dark, thinking about the same thing each night. I don’t really want to kill myself. It would hurt everyone around me, I don’t have the heart to, I actually have a few hopes or goals to live for, etc. I think about myself, really. I go through a lot during the day. So much so that it would take too long to write, or at least right now. I’m always in this constant sensation of sadness and pain, whether or not I reflect that during the day. But this feeling is always stronger at night and it tells me the same thing: to fall asleep and not wake up. I always think about it, whether it’s morning, afternoon or night, and I almost like thinking about it. Being able to close your eyes and drift off into a place where nothing can hurt you anymore sounds wonderful to me. I don’t want to be in the kind of pain that I’m in and the idea of being able to sleep forever really entices me. It gives me a strange kind of peace when I think about it, giving me the feeling that I would never have to worry and stress about anything again. In many ways (especially now, at night), I prefer unconciousness. It really is the only time that I’m able to forget about my life and have no worries, no troubles, nothing. Even now, as I get sleepier and sleepier, Deep down inside me, I hope that when I drift into unconsciousness I won’t wake up tomorrow.