seriously I think I’m losing it. It’s like my mind is eating itself with bad thoughts and I don’t think I can handle it at this point. I need to feel nothing at this point. I can’t bring myself to commit suicide at this point, I have too many failed attempts to mess up again. I just kind of want to not exist? but never have existed I think is a more accurate term. I see my therapist on Wed. but I don’t know how it will go, I think he is going to give me skills to cope which I don’t know how that will go. Its almost like I don’t want to function anymore. I think that’s it, I just don’t want to try anymore after everything. People keep telling me I’m young and good things will come my way but it hasn’t been that way ever. Besides, when the only thing you want is gone it’s almost worse. I’m training for a fight, so I would be happy for the hours I was in the gym but now it’s so bad that my thoughts eat at me in there too, my only safe place. I see what’s being demonstrated but I can’t remember it because my mind is somewhere else. I don’t know, I just don’t want to keep going anymore. I guess the only thread I’m holding on by is the smallest sliver of hope. My mind is failing me, and now my body after years of competition and intense workouts.  Where is the plug for my existence and how do I pull it?
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This helps me when I’m where you are (which is right now), I think of the entire universe at once. I close my eyes and physically float away from Earth, to the farthest place I can go so that all the matter in the universe converges to a single point of light. All of existence in the physical world in that one point of light. I sit and look at that point of light for a bit. Then I think about the shit I have to get done, then back to the point of light, then about the shit I did during the day, then back to the point of light. When I’m staring at the point of light, everything that has happened or will happen in the physical world has already happened since I’m so far away. Technically my problems are already over, I’m already dead and long gone, nothing is happening that I need to worry about, and I can just space out and enjoy the light for a while. You’re already dead, you’re just experiencing the after effects of an amazing life. Let the movie run out and things will be a little easier to deal with.