Im tired of living. You can work so hard for something and still end up with nothing. I keep chasing dreams that i think will make me happy but then realize that there is no such thing as happiness. I think to myself how i want kids someday and my time is running out but why would i want to bring a kid into this shitty world? Why would i want to hand over my mental issues to another human being through my genes just so they can suffer? Am i really seeing this miserable place for what it is and just giving up on trying to find happiness cuz it doesn’t really exist? Or are these drugs just destroying me from the inside, out? If only death could find me before i find it all my problems would be solved. I could free my family from having to deal with my loser, sorry self. I could save them from the disappointment. If I die they won’t have to see what I come to be. They can at least think that if I had lived i would have done well for myself. Friday night…
Just wanting to curl up in a ball by myself. Just want to be alone and cry myself to sleep. Just want to give up. No one will understand. No one needs to understand. I am just here burdening them with my negativity. Is this how Matt felt. Maybe he was at this point before he left us all heartbroken. I wish i could have felt this before he left. Maybe we could have helped eachother understand ourselves. Guess i will never know. People say suicide is selfish. I use to think so myself. Until i became this person. I want Adam to Be happy. I want him to be with someone who relates to him and loves life. He was so happy when i met him. I’ve brought him down and its selfish of me to stick around knowing he could be happier without me. My dad deserves to be free from having to take care of two grown women. He’s done such a good job raising us. I don’t want him to feel like a failure like my grandma does when she takes a look at her kids. Being selfish is letting people down and adding sadness to their life when they deserve so much happiness. Being selfless is freeing them from your life. Even if it means ending your life. I love them all enough to free them from having to know such a worthless person.
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Thanks for sharing a part of your story Loripink26 and welcome aboard.
I can relate
I throw everything I have at trying to achieve but in the end I always end up with a mediocre result. I wished I knew for sure no-one would care if I gave in but it is not possible to know
Selfish or selfless? First of all, thank you for posting your story. Your pain and suffering are plain to see. I don’t beleive anyone is worthless but I can relate to how you feel. That feeling that we are not good enough and never will be and the next year will be just like the last, full of failure and pain. It is a dark place to walk through that valley alone attacked on all sides by the judgements of others and their looks or words of disappointment. For those that walk through that valley they are in the great battle for their very life, their will to live. Once we give that up, it is just a matter of time. If I may offer what worked for me? What I have found? I realized that I was my own worst enemy by my choices that led to actions or my thoughts that shaped my beliefs. I thought of myself so unworthy beaten down and almost defeated. It was me and my selfish ways that was the problem. I would reach out to God and start walking his way but only to fall down back into that valley alone. How many times did I start and fall, seven I think over the course of twenty some years. I found the answer so many years ago and such a great sign did he show me that he is real and listening to my prayers. But I strayed and wandered in that vast valley where so many are unable to help each other because of the darkness. It was only that he brought me to my breaking point through intense suffering that I finally broke and said your way now, not mine. What I found that I lacked was being selfless because my selfishness prevented it. I had to die a death of self in order for him to truly flow through me and reside in me. Everyday this battle within me occurs but I deny myself and pick up the cross and follow him daily. Once I learned this, the darkness turned to light and I no longer felt worthless because the God that created the heavens and the earth is within me, loving me, teaching me, guiding me, as an adopted son. I am no longer worthless. I have peace and am learning ever learning to be content in whatever situation I am in. You are not worhless. You are precious and what I have is freely given if we only ask him.
You can’t save them from their own opinions, interpretations, and experiences.