So, Uhm, Hi…

Well, I guess hello.
I don’t exactly know what I am doing here..
About ten minutes ago I was ready to end my life, but a person I know recommended I check out this one website awhile back and I figured it couldn’t hurt. That’s how I ended up here.
I don’t really know what I am suppose to say, or do. But I just really need to tell someone what is on my mind.
If you are also on this site reading my words, it is safe to assume that you’re dealing with something around the topic of suicide so you know the amount of pain it truly inflicts; no one else that I talk to understands that.
I guess I should tell you my story and how I ended up here, I mean that is the reason I am here anyway..
So, uhm, here I go..
People do not see me as ugly, I do not struggle academically and I tend to be a pretty good social person, so why am I so depressed?
I see myself as ugly, unwanted, useless, annoying, worthless, and well, yea, you get the gist of it..
I am going to be sixteen years old soon and in nine more days I will officially be done grade ten. But this is not where my story begins, no it begins before I can even remember. Still with me?
You see, my parents were never married and had my mother not had that abortion when she was seventeen, I most likely would not even exist; if only…
Anyways, my parents met and things got going and I was conceived, sounds like a miracle right? A young and healthy couple gets blessed with a child, well all too soon my life began falling apart. My father walked out on my mother and me when I was five months old, that’s right, five months old. Most people see that as a good thing, since I was only five months old I do not remember my father getting up and walking out of my life before it had even started. But it has been quite the opposite, every day for as long as I can remember, I wished to have a normal family.
I could not change what had already happened though.
Now we get into the part of my life that I am actually able to remember. My father did not technically abandon me, but he did emotionally abandon me. This meant that ever since I was little I have travelled back and forth from my mother’s house to my father’s house. Not a very stable living condition. But that’s not so bad right? I mean it was only a little instable.
Like I said, I never remembered my parents being together, but I do remember my father’s first wife. She is the closest thing I have ever had to a mother. With my mom either being at work, school or the bars, I basically raised myself and became very independent at a young age. There is one night that sticks out in my memories though. Do you want to know why? It is because it is the night that my mother brought my “step-father” into my life. But she did not bring him home to introduce him to me, no, she brought him home to have sex with. Now given that I was only four at the time, I was unaware of what sex was, so I just heard strange noises. So, like any innocent and curious child, I went to find out what was going on. I was very surprised at what I found. And to say my mother did nothing is an understatement. When she realized I was in the room, she did not stop to console me or explain to me what was going on. No, what she did was much worse. She made me come over beside her bed and watch, watch everything that was going one. So, imagine this: I am a four year old girl witnessing my mother have sex with a random stranger, but like I stated I was unaware of what sex was so I did not know that I should not be seeing this.
After watching for awhile, she told me to touch it, to touch his penis, but not with my hand, with my mouth. As I child I was never bad, I always did what I was told and this was no different. I did but the moment I did I jumped back and sat on the floor to curl myself into a ball. My mother told me to get up, she said this is the way girls become women, I agreed and touched my tongue to his penis again. That was all she made me do that night though. And the thing I remember the most about that night, is the confusion and pain I felt. Even when I was four, I was not stupid. I could not explain why I felt the way I did, I just did and I began to cry. That was the very first night I have ever cried myself to sleep…
Now, I feel if I keep writing all this in one post people will not read it all. So I guess I will stop now and if people actually care or want to hear more of my story and how I ended up where I am today, I will post it. But if no one is going to read it, I’ll just start posting my poems and stuff on here instead.
Thank you for letting me write what I did today. I really hope no one will judge me for my past and will just accept me for who I am.
I just need somewhere that I truly feel accepted and have a sense of belonging; as I have not had that feeling since I was four years old before this night. I know what I wrote about tonight is a little disturbing and frightening, but it’s reality…