I’ve been struggling for a while now, it just feels like there’s only so much one person should have to handle. Some days I’m fine, I get up go to work, do what it is normal people are supposed to do. Most days…most days, I just want to die, not because I’m bored or lonely or crying out for attention; but because I’m tired. I’m tired of slogging through bull shit and being told that I just got dealt a shitty hand and if I stick it out it’ll get better. I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of caring about everyone else and being cared about by no one. I hurt and I don’t have anything or anyone to hold on to. I actually tried to kill myself around Christmas, I woke up by myself in the ICU after 3 days. My parents kicked me out after that. Sometimes killing myself is all I think about; how, when, what will I leave behind, will anyone even notice I’m gone.
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There was a time, when I used to believe the old cliche that next year will be better, telling myself that it would be. It never seemed to work that way. Suffering and pain layered upon suffering and pain topped with disappointment and the realization that it is not going to get better. Just going through the motions watching zombie movies and actually believing in the zombie apocalypse until it occured to me that I was watching myself. I was the walking dead man just going through the motions of this world of have nots which became my reality. Out of my despair I did reach out to God whom I believed in but thought he was ignoring me and letting the devil just play me like a puppet. But I prayed as I lay in that hospital bed when the doctors talked of taking my foot off and my children were home suffering, alone and scared. I just gave up and told God to take over because I really can’t do this anymore. Here all along that was what he was waiting for. For me to give up the controls on my life and turn it over to him. My hard heart finally softened so he could mold it. Since that day, I have found a source of peace like no other. A source of wisdom and guidance and power. But what I found most was the realization that he loves me and didn’t forget about me but was there all along just waiting for me to ask.
I always think that I got dealt a shitty hand, but then I realise that so many people have it so much worse than me =(
Nobody should have to wake up alone after feeling so bad that suicide was the only answer. I’m so sorry that happened to you. And I’m sorry that the people who should support you unconditionally – your parents – don’t seem to have got the memo. How cruel can they be, to abandon a child who is hurting so badly? I’m so sorry, that sucks so bad.
I don’t know how to help. I want you to find people who really will care about you, who will notice if you’re gone! I want somebody to wrap you up with kindness and care and just be there when you need them. You deserve that! Everyone does!
You’re amazing for having got this far in those kinds of circumstances. I hope you can keep fighting until things do start getting better. If wishing could change anything, I would wish you something really nice.
I think everyone has value. I think that the world is poorer for the loss of every person. I think you have value, and I hope that other people will see that too.