On July 26, 2013, I will be sad, depressed, and all kinds of crap will be going on in my mind. Why? That day will mark the 3rd year that I lost my father to suicide.
My father was the most kindest mad you would have ever met. He would give his shirt off his back to a stranger. He use to tell me and my siblings and friends that “there is nothing wrong with being yourself.”
How can a man with such a big heart want to end all of that? And where was I when it happened?
I was about to take my last exam of summer classes when my brother called me. I didn’t want to answer it because I was about to go take a test. So I ignored it. It then rang again. My brother usually never calls me, so I answered it thinking that it must have been important or something. And to this day I will never forget what he told me.
He told me that our dad was dead. So many thoughts were going through my mind. Like “why,how,what was he thinking?”
Being at the university, I had to drive an hour to make it back home to where I found my mother and siblings out in the yard crying and holding one another. I got out and joined them. Never have I ever cried so much in my life.
My family was staying at our beach house for the summer and my father was back home because of work. If my family was there, or if he was with us at the beach would he had still tried to kill himself? Would one of us tried to have stopped him.
Not only do I get depressed because my father is dead, but I’m also depressed because of the way he killed himself.
I get so mad at time. At him, at myself, and at my family. Because of him killing himself, I dont like to be around my family anymore. I rarely talk to them on the phone. I find my self feeling guilty about him killing himself. I now have mood swings to where I’m mean and dont even want to hang out with my best friends or even have a social life in that matter. I’m even having a hard time trusting people and becoming friends with new people. Why? Because I’m scared that If I get too close to someone, they are just going to leave me again.
Well thats my story. I needed to tell someone so thank you for listing.
5 comments
I am very sorry about your loss. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. But never blame yourself for what happened. Maybe try taking up some new activities. Try doing something fun in a safe way that you may have never tried before. You may find out you have been missing out on something you really love to do. This can be a great way to discover yourself and who you are. Also try not to worry about people leaving your life, instead focus on ways of finding positive people that can enter your life. I promise you it will make you a happier person. Also you can find happiness by doing this for your father. I am sure he will be very proud of you if he sees that you are making positive strides in your life to be a better person.
Suicide is so hard on the survivors as you have said what the impact was on you and your family. We may never know what drives a person to do this. But you can’t blame yourself because you were doing something that was productive. I understand the anger but at some point you have to forgive your dad for what he did. It won’t benefit him but in your heart it will. He broke your heart and to heal we must forgive those that hurt us so badly. If you keep hanging on to this pain then your healing will take longer. Shutting people out is just a way to protect our hearts but you are young and that is no way to live. When tragedy strikes us, we don’t get the privilege of a warning. Having a belief in a higher power is a way to help you heal as God knows our hearts and can help us out of dark times. I wonder how the rest of your family is handling this? Talking with family not only helps you but may help them. I thank you for sharing your pain. It is good to get it out whether it be on this site or sitting down with someone and talking about your feelings. Prayer is an answer I have found to work when everything else I tried failed.
Dear dbg,
I’ve been there and done that, except a long-distance cousin, a lovely person even though he had schizoprenia, killed himself by hanging. Now, I hate my grandparents and both my parents for different reasons. But I eespecially hate them because they wouldn’t allow me to grieve his death how I wished. It’d be understandable if they were stopping me from being a danger to myself and other people. But for God’s sake I was a sook for crying over this cousin’s death? I was a sook! This suicide happened more like nearly twenty or more years ago. I’m hurt by his suicide, but I’m even more hurt that I’ve got half of my family who have no respect for me. The other half of my family, that being the extended family, well we just don’t talk about it. But we have some respect that we want to mourn death in our own way.
I do feel for you. I feel bad that some people can’t respect others when people who they know kill themselves. I also know the feeling when hanging out with people could mean you might lose them. I haven’t thought about it much, but maybe that explains why I like to keep to myself? I might accidentally lose myself, or even deliberately. But at least I’ve got some control over what happens to me and what I do. I cannot control what others do or what happens to them, unless they’re a child in my care I guess. And no I do not have kids… Just giving an example. Anyway, I’m close to only one friend, she’s stuck by me through thick and thin, and I’m the same with her. As for everyone else, they’d drop me if they got the chance. I don’t like dropping people, so I guess I’m a whimp and a sooky person. But I guess I’m only one of a few nice people out there who must like to be labelled like that. I don’t really, but yeah. I’m not close to hardly anyone.
Thank you!
I’ve noticed too since he passed that I have been keeping to myself. I don’t like to tell people whats going on or how im feeling at most times. I guess your right. Im just scared that I’m going to loose someone again. I have that same friend. He was the first one I called when I heard the news and he has and will always be there for me. Even though we are now 2hours away from each other.
And I guess in a way I am kind of embarrassed. Now people look at me as the kid whos father killed himself. thats not a very good conversation starter. Im scared to tell people about my father becuse i get upset when I tell them that hes passed. How he passed too.
Hey dbj – i’ve been feeling a lot of the same things and started searching online to see if anyone had a similar story. My dad did the same thing a few months ago and i hold in a lot of negative feelings still, and am definitely dealing with some anger issues . For the record, I also hate when people ask what happened or how he died, and I often lie to them, as it’s none of their business. I think what you and I are feeling is pretty normal. I also got a phone call, though my brother was not so lucky, as he was the one that found him and spent a half hour giving him CPR until help arrived. I hope you don’t beat yourself up about what you could have done since i don’t think there’s a lot either of us could have without some huge warning sign. Anyhow, take care and I wish you peace,
Jak