Up until recently I’ve been a pretty normal person, I don’t think anyone would suspect that I’ve been having frequent thoughts of suicide. I try my best to hide it and to act happy around people, but every now and then I just can’t. I like to be alone more often than not and when I am with people it’s hard to enjoy myself. I find myself faking a smile or laughing just so I’m not the only one not laughing. It’s as if I don’t have feelings anymore, I can’t feel any emotion, I just feel depressed, which I guess could be considered an emotion, but it’s a pretty non-emotional emotion. I started cutting myself a few months ago just to try to feel something but I didn’t, the cutting just became a bad habit and now I can’t stop, I want to get help sometimes, but I can’t bring myself to tell anyone, I hide my cuts so no one will see them, even my best friend has no idea how I feel. I’ve been thinking of ways to kill myself for quite a while now and each time I do I think no. I’m too much of a coward, I could never do that. Then I realized that I don’t want to kill myself. I just want to stop existing. Forever. I think there’s a difference between killing yourself and ending your existence, I mean it’s the same outcome but a different mindset. I wish no one cared about me so I wouldn’t feel bad about ending my life, so that no one would be hurt if I did. For now though, I’m still existing and that’s what it feels like, I’m not living, if I was living I would want to kill myself, but I’m just existing and I want it to stop.
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How do you convince someone to toss away their depression and suicidal thoughts. Everyone’s depression is different. I don’t know anything about you and you don’t know about my experiences. All I can say is that when I’m feeling down, I try to think about the millions of other people in the world who would be grateful to live the life I’m living. You have a best friend, you have people who would hurt if you weren’t in this world anymore – some people don’t even have that. Just hang in there, whatever you are going through, it will pass. The dawn always overcomes the darkness of the night. If you’re not living you life, you haven’t found your passion yet. Find something or someone worth living for, something that brings excitement in your life. We all go through depression at some point in our lives, but ending our lives means we’ve lost our strength to live on. So every time you avert suicide, you are not a coward, in fact you are the opposite. You are brave, you believe you have the strength to overcome your difficulties, you have the resilience to realize that you are better than any obstacles that come your way. I’m sure there are lots of people out there who would love to help you, who are willing to talk to you and listen so take advantage of that and vent out your feelings. You can and will push through all of this and come out on the other end as an amazing and strong person.
I love you.