Well, I’m a newcomer. I’ve read, and commented on a couple of posts and I’m actually kind of…well…not ‘happy’ that I found this site but, more intrigued. I’m 14, 10th grade, and I’ve already found my depression. Even when I get out of it and go to my ‘happy music’ (which is basically rave and happy hardcore), I find myself slowly slipping back into the dark emo cutting phase. and don’t get mad at the word emo. It’s how I describe myself. I have a wonderful boyfriend, great friends who are there for me, but I just don’t know what it is that pulls me back. My ex and I call it “Random Depression”. I’m surprised he still talks to me. I don’t find myself unappealing or unattractive, I just…I don’t know…
I think I just find the sadness comforting and familiar. I don’t like breaking routine, so it would definitely explain parts of it. Though, I think it really started with my childhood. I have a picture that I drew on the computer from when I was little that said “are we even a family?” on it. I don’t even remember my childhood. All I remember is screaming and fighting, mostly towards my siblings. Now it’s all towards me since they moved out of the house. *sigh* Okay now I just need to rant and spill my life. You don’t have to read this either…
My dad never talks to me. Ever. His work is an hour away from home and he goes on business trips all the time…Whenever he’s home it’s just “Hey kiddo! how was school?” *walks away and disappears into the bedroom before I can reply* then I don’t hear from him for a couple of days. There have been times when I’ve tried to confront him about it and he just denies it. Even just now, I answered the home phone when he called (because my mom wouldn’t get up though she was closer) and he just said hi and asked what I was doing then asked to talk to mom. I wrote a suicide note to him. I might post it here. Why not.
My mom on the other hand…I don’t know what her issue is. She’s overly annoying and thinks she can buy affection through objects. I know that parents are supposed to be annoying, but I mean annoying as in, she takes my phone randomly and asks stupid questions, and makes a big deal out of everything. Like, she takes things way out of proportion and puts it into the spotlight. But never the good things. Only the bad. Another way she can be annoying, is that she comes to me with all of her problems. Then when I try to comfort her, she completely denies me and yells at me. One time (not too long ago in fact) she yelled at me for lying to her (which I did). then told me that she’s tired of everyone lying to her, especially me, my dad, and all our relatives. My dad’s side of the family doesn’t like her at all. I don’t blame them. Then my dad came home and yelled at me for lying to her. Hypocrite. He lies to her all the time. He has a girlfriend. I’ve MET HER. but if they got a divorce, I’d still go live with him. Even now I’m watching her sit on her fat ass playing stupid games on Facebook and talking on the phone like a teenager about her “social life”.
Then there’s the cutting. I cut. I think about cutting. I like cutting. I’m a masochist and a sadist. I have a heart-shaped scar on the side of my wrist. I learned not to cut my wrists anymore for fear of getting screamed at. So I’m adorned with ribbons of red on my torso and thighs…oh what a joy of being a cutter. I’ve tried suicide 2 or 3 times. Lots of people have tried to convince me not to, but it’s always in the back of my mind.
…That felt really good to write…
9 comments
Hey there – I’m 14 too, but I’m going into the 9th grade. Anyway, I know how you feel about your childhood. Mine was similar – although everything was about me, and I watched as my mom went from sweet to violent when we were alone.
But…you’ve got to keep going. Your friends care about you, and you have a boyfriend who loves you. If you kill yourself, your father will realize his mistakes…but it’ll crush him. And it will hurt so many other people. That’s not your intention, is it?
Thank you…I appreciate the encouragement and I’m talking to my boyfriend and best friend about it right now. And good luck in highschool, its pretty fun 🙂
My strong chicka you been thru this much you can go thru anything life throws at you 🙂
S-Sarah!? Oh hon you didn’t have to do that…thank you…
Hi I just finsihed highschool,I’m 17 years old. Honestly what you wrote was exactly me too. It sucks. It’s hard. You’re mother at this point needs for everything to go down hill so she can have the glory of building everything back up. My mother and yoiurs would probably be bestfriends. Also that boy cares so much. Be grateful he is there. I had my bestfriend with me the whole way and until this day and it makes it easier. I lost everyone at one point and I legitmently was put in the hospitble because I became so sick and sad my body was so stressed that my kidneys on the verge of failing and my heart legitmently was going to exploded. So please stick it out it gets better. I pinky promise.
Thanks 🙂 and I forgot to mention in there that every time she yells at me she starts bringing up suicide…does your mom do that too?
My mother does. She says I should have accomplished it already. What am I waiting for. My mother is a Catch U Next Tuesday. Yourmother wants yuou to feel weak for herself. Don’t her have that power.
Wow…I’m sorry…and I won’t let her have it. I’m far from it.
Good. Because once she has it,she will never let go.