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200 Days.

by DutchTimes.

About a week ago I found this site and decided to tell me story. There were some people who advised me to reconsider my suicide. The last couple of days I have been thinking, over thinking and rethinking the idea of taking my own life. And I have come to the conclusion that I will do it.

I know what it means to be death, there is no coming back or any way to reclaim your body. I’m calm about taking my own life because death, in my eyes, is a way to finally let everything rest.

“It’s not suicide if you’re already dead inside”.

Before I finally leave this hellish and unfair world behind, I have decided to rewrite my goodbye letter. I took my old one and burned it. My new one is going to be a book. A book… really?  Yes, a real well written book.

I see it as a way to finally be able to tell my entire story of the past years. From the moment I fell in love till my last day on earth.

I have chosen February 12th 2014 as my last day. Tomorrow I will resign from my job, so I can fully focus on my writing.  Tomorrow I’ll start to count my days until the last days tick away. 200 days should be enough to write a book, I think.

Every couple of days I might post something on here about my progress. Having dyslexia won’t make the writing much easier but that won’t stop me.

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6 comments

PainNlife 7/25/2013 - 10:27 am

Thats an interesting quote “its not suicide if you’re already dead on the inside”…. I think that applies to a lot of us that are on this site. I think a book is a good idea. It will give a greater detail than a letter will about your decision. It may help others understand your choice….and I wish you peace in whatever you decide

telly34 7/25/2013 - 12:14 pm

It sounds like you are very intelligent and have a lot to live for. I hope that the reason for you wanting to take your life isn’t related to the love of your life. It is a hard pill to swallow (sorry, no pun intended), but people and relationships come and go. I wouldn’t recommend quitting your job. Who knows, maybe your book will become a best-seller or something. I hope that you choose to live. 🙂

Serotonin for the Misfits 7/25/2013 - 1:16 pm

Writing a book is an interesting idea but I just have to wonder about quitting your job. Consider what happens if you fail or you end up not wanting to commit suicide. Now you have to find a new job and it could look suspicious if people know you have been or are suicidal.

smusmu 7/25/2013 - 1:20 pm

you know what? I like your idea. You will change your life – quitt your job in wich you are probablly not so happy… You will start something new, what you have never done before – write a book and it will be a book about you. When your books is finished maby your life will change so much, that it will be worth living – maby you will change… You are opening dors to new opportunities. Good for you!

clevername 7/25/2013 - 2:13 pm

“Now you have to find a new job and it could look suspicious if people know you have been or are suicidal.”

Does anyone else see the problem with the truth of this statement?

Suspicious? ‘If people know…’ ?

Doesn’t that indirectly indicate the understanding that the world doesn’t want people like us, and is more likely to choose to shun and ostracize us, rather than allowing us to find gainful employment, and thus, turn things around for ourselves?

It’s like an unspoken understanding that “people who are suicidally depressed should just kill themselves, because we don’t want to deal with them.”

That is how the real world operates, which is a hugely significant contributing factor to the reasons people get so depressed and suicidal in the first place. Anyone who isn’t “amazing” gets pushed out, while being blamed for their involuntary inferiority. And we’re expected to ignore that, and naturally want to continue in this manner? We’re supposed to want to be part of a world that doesn’t want us?

I just don’t even…

That said, i will advise against “dooming yourself” by any means, including quitting your job. Quitting your job is just nailing your own coffin shut. I’m all about keeping your options open as much and as long as possible. My own basis for suicidal contemplation is that i lack access to effective options and methods of creating effective solutions. It’s not that i can’t think of anything i could do, or anything i want… but that i can’t reach any of it. Don’t “doom yourself,” because then you might not be ready, or you might change your mind, but end up feeling like you have to do it, and don’t have any other choice. I know how that feels, and it’s terrible, and i can’t recommend anyone painting themselves into corners, in order to artificially push themselves toward a forced chosen ending.

But totally do the book, if that’s what matters to you.

RealTalk30 7/25/2013 - 3:05 pm

Sometimes you have to take risks! Roll that dice…if it applies! lol

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