Faking it.
From the outside I have it all. Unfortunately my mind is plagued with trauma, depression, and intense anxiety… leaving me in an existential haze in order to cope; I am merely going through the motions. I used my looks and my body to get through college and thought I would regain my sanity afterwards, but thats not the case. I now have a useless degree, too many therapists, lost a soul mate, and a mind that won’t cease come nightfall. I am a useless plastic los angeles doll. Luckily, I managed to figure out the underground Silk Road market. I obtained hundreds of dollars (that middle aged men threw at me on a stage in west hollywood) and traded it for Bitcoin. I debated for days as to which way I would make my exit, with the silk road your options are vast. From potassium cyanide to opiates and barbituates… I ultimately could not choose, so I bought the cyanide powder from Spain and opiates and barbs from India. All has arrived but my last package of morphine. I know I am lucky in this that I will not have to resort to leaping off a bridge or eating bullet (I’m not a fan of public displays, believe it or not with my occupation, kudos to those who have the courage to do so though). I’ve sublet my apartment and donated all my clothes to goodwill (all but enough for one carry on suitcase) and am scheduled to leave the 2nd ( 12 days?) from today. Here’s where I would like via feedback:
If you had the means to travel (by air or train, train kind of excites me and would give me time to settle my mind before fully doing this) where would you go? I was thinking the Grand Canyon or some other beautiful natural place… rent a lodge for a few nights and on my last night, drift off into the universe, leaving my soul with the natural world surrounding me. I also wish there was a way to keep my death anonymous, so friends and family would think I just took off to Siberia and a tribe in Africa to volunteer (which is something they would expect).
If anyone is in the area and would like to talk hit me up. Or if you need help configuring the Silk Road/Bitcoin situation, I can help with that as well.
XO
15 comments
fuck.you’re pretty serious about this eh? i am too but you have all the resources to do it. shit. cmon though. don’t do it. im a canadian bloke. young guy. been through the mental health circus. still am. its why im so low now. used to have it all too. love, life women and a shot at being really successful. all gone. what a waste.
listen, if anything you got somebody to talk to before your disappearing act. shoot me an email. you can read my previous posts too. give you an idea of what im going thru. either way you don’t have to do this. but understand completely if you do.
I would go to a deserted island somewhere where I would never be found. I want to not exist as much as I want to commit suicide if that makes sense. sort of like you said you don’t want your family to know….I feel the same but I’m afraid there is no way for me to die without them eventually finding out…..Ive also discovered silkroad but found it intimidating because some people say law enforcement have gotten wind of the site and pose as buyers or sellers to track people down and prosecute them. I wanted barbiturates and none were available when I looked for them.
interesting read; someone who had it all at one point, reduced to feeling trapped in an inescapable scenario. i won’t be one of those fakes that say, “i know what you’re going through” because i really don’t, but i hope you’ve made peace with everything and everyone before you leave. i hope you find your happiness on the other side. i would like to ask you more about the silk road/bitcoin, would you mind helping me ? if not it’s ok, i don’t wish to burden you on your last couple weeks here.
@justjosh ask away, I’m here to help
Visit some waterfalls? Underwater caves? A national forest? Well unless you burned your fingerprint and switched out your teeth they’d figure out your identity :L
LA? Which university in LA? UCLA? LSU?
@PainNlfe Yeah, its a total catch 22 unfortunately… I want to pull an Into the Wild if youve seen/read it. And as far as LE goes on silk road I wouldn’t worry at all, unless you buying thousands of dollars worth of drugs with the intent to deal, youre not worth their time to hunt down via an anonymous proxy. And I’ve succesfully used it multiple times with great results. Theyre still available now if you search for phenobarbital.
@killswitchon Thanks for the kind words… it sucks having the facade of perfection ripped away, huh? Oh life, such a cruel mistress.
@AtheEnd Def considering a national forest, laying down a nice blanket and passing out somewhere secluded. But youre right, I will inevitably be found :/ And I just recently graduated UCLA
@anonbarbie how’d you change your profile pic. been on here for weeks and have yet to figure that out. For sure. Especially when its from the inside out. When it ain’t really physical circumstances but more mental/emotional thats when you’re screwed. its crazy. one minute you’re ok and the next you’ve flat lined. whats this silk road that you speak of?
its losing love that puts the seal on the envelope for me. she was the last good thing that I had. was she a soul mate? nah but I did love her. I can’t imagine if its a soul mate.
if it were me and I had money to go anywhere. I would go to brussels belgium. quiet and tranquil. 2nd choice would be australia. visit those kangaroo fuckers
@anonbarbie
Well national forests are supposed to be amazing. I want to visit one someday.
Oh UCLA? Thats not an easy school to get into. Supposedly they get way too many a
@anonbarbie
Well national forests are supposed to be amazing. I want to visit one someday.
Oh UCLA? Thats not an easy school to get into. Supposedly they get way too many applications. Whats your degree in?
To not be found you’d have to do it where wild animals can get you first or where you won’t be found like Christopher Johnson Mccandless. Well they found his rotting corpse though.
Shame you’re leaving the 2nd. I wont be back in CA till the third week of August.
do you have a place i can contact you ? or do you prefer to stay on here ?
yeah email my link thingy
Oh hey, @killswitchon (not sure if anonbarbie told you yet – I haven’t really followed any conversations that go on here) you can sign up for “Gravatar” if you want to change your avatar. That’s one way to do it as far as I know.
@Gaara thanks gaara.
Barbs. From india? Am in india.. want barbs.. can help me if anyone seeing this know the way out.