avoiding the inevitable

Each day that I wake up I am just adding time onto my pain. I distract myself with T.V , this website and the internet to keep from killing myself. The urge is there. Sometimes I feel this deep rage inside me and a voice screams in my head “YOU NEED TO FUCKIN KILL YOURSELF” and I have to convince myself that the time isnt right now. Why am I lying to myself? I think is just the will to live. My heart, mind and spirit are all at war within me. My heart and mind says its over and this is the end but My spirit is saying not now. I cant keep doing this much longer….. Prolonging the pain. I am not helping anybody by remaining on this earth. My mom is disgusted with me. She wont say it out loud but I know she is. Any child knows when his Parents are disappointed. I let her down. If anything Im hurting her by remaining here. More money for bills supporting a grown ass loser, less food for her and my sister. I am tired of knowing I am a failure. I was a failure last night and I was one when I woke up today and I will be one next week,month and year.At this point I am on the edge of the cliff looking down and…….. Eventually I will jump.