I just read ‘Crash Into Me’ by Albert Borris. It’s a teen novel about 4 teens who make a suicide pact and go on a roadtrip around the US. Whilst the ending was pretty predictable, I thought the author got so much of it so completely right, about how a lot of the time all you want is for the pain to stop and for people to actively want to keep you around, about how suicidal people can speak and sometimes even joke about destroying themselves pretty casually a lot of the time, about how it can be so hard to even care enough to want to to anything, to have any future plans at all…
“Nobody stays suicidal forever.” “You either die or you get over it.”
More than anything, I think the novel serves as a reminder that sometimes what we need is to really truly talk to others about what we’re feeling and to know that what we are feeling is real and valid and that changing our minds about suicide does not make us fake or stupid or unreal, also that for a lot of us maybe a change of location might be better than removal of life entirely, like maybe we should change our lives rather than ending them.
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I keep a lot bottled in. I can say things on this site you couldn’t pay me to share with someone face to face because on here I have anonymity. I dont know what needs to change in order for me to recover but talking isnt an option for me. In my family and culture people consider you “damaged goods” once you mention suicide because is makes them think you’re not dealing with a full deck. Its easier to bottle my feelings but I admit its unhealthy because it only pushes my urges to end my life. I wish I could talk to someone who wouldn’t form an opinion on my mental health and instead somehow help me but thats almost impossible where I come from