When I look forward and try to picture my future I see absolutely nothing. That petrifies me, that feeling of dread catches in my lungs and I don’t know what to do. How do I make it go away? Dear god I need something. The blade is not enough anymore, I love her, I always will, but it’s becoming dull. I fantasise about suicide, the how’s and when’s … pills or hang from a rope or a trip off a ledge, if you dare. I want more than anything to make it stop; I need it all to fucking stop. I have never attempted, I don’t know that I have the guts. Does that mean that I shouldn’t die? Fucked if I know. I have set out every pill I have in my flat in front of me on my bed and spent the night with them but I never ingested one. I read the information leaflets and side effects with great pleasure but I still couldn’t swallow them down…
I do not see the point in this life of mine, I look at the things around me, the sights and the people and the comings and the goings and I simply think “What is the point?â€. I truly believe in these suicidal thoughts, the silence is deafening. I worry about the aftermath, about my mother and father and what hell they would go through. Does that warrant me existing in this hell?
Sometimes I sit and imagine my mother dying, it’s my favourite pastime; I imagine the phone call, the trip to the hospital, the funeral, the wake, the arguments and awkward conversations. But I imagine it purely for the thought of having an excuse to disappear. If my mother died now I would break but I could shut myself away behind my front door and everyone would leave me the fuck alone. I could literally dissolve in the horror and the misery without having to get up in the morning and put on a fake face before I go to work and lie about my life. I could stay here and disappear. Oh, how delicious that thought is.
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. I’m stuck in my head, this is the first time I’ve let any of it out, there’s so much more I could say. It’s a mess, it’s a constant fucking battle. Just make it go away.
5 comments
Hi thanks for sharing this. I fantasize about suicide all the time. I think I am going to make a serious attempt soon. Way too much suffering, and I gave god time to intervene, and he has chosen not to, and now I must take things into my own hands. I also see nothing when I try to imagine my future. I know that I don’t have one. My disease means wasting away slowly, hospital beds and humiliation and likely paralysis. That’s no way to live. My mum and dad are old, and I wish they’d die, so that I could go on and end my life finally. I keep staying alive one more day, one more day, out of trying to spare them the anguish of my suicide, but at the same time I should not have to suffer like this for their sakes, or anyones sake. Suicide is always a catch 22, damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Like you I have to wear a fake face, I have to pretend its ok, I have to pretend I want to live when every second is eating me alive. But god won’t blame me if I choose to end my life one of these days. God has given me hell, and of course as a living feeling creature I am going to try any means of escape.
wow.. I feel like I wrote this post.. way too close to home..
love the Alice reference 🙂 very good choice to describe life!
perhaps you’re creative? I am and feel suffocated easily by life..
you posted at 11:11. make a wish.
Thanks for the comments, I literally stumbled on this site much like Alice chasing her white rabbit but I’m enjoying the fall. It’s refreshing to be able to speak about things which usually stay inside my head and bounce around among the chaos. I do relate to Alice in a big way, I named my blade after her, I think she resonates with people who are desperate and low; sometimes I feel insane and other days I function a little better. It’s as if I’m in Wonderland one minute and cold reality the next. I like that someone else gets it too!
Suffocated is definitely the right word for it, like dead weight (excuse the pun..). For me it’s a fear as well, it grips me. Sometimes I don’t know if I want to die or just disappear, hide away in this mess I’ve made for myself.
@rach – your comment hit home for me, I am sorry to hear you are suffering from an illness of the body whilst battling with your thoughts and options of taking your life. I can understand that to a degree, having control of your death and therefore your life leading up to that moment. I admit I am selfish in that I want to die just to make everything stop, that I don’t feel I belong here. I don’t have any medical problems, I am fit, young and healthy. Mine is a sickness of the mind. You’re so true in what you say about causing family suffering. I can only imagine what you are going through, the position you are in is not your fault and you cannot control it or ask “why me?” and be given an answer. I am not religious, I believe in nothing, I do not know what God’s plan for you is in giving you this infliction. If I was in your position I’d want control back and I’d want to escape. I think the position you’re in gives you the right to decide how you spend the time you have left. It is difficult for me to write about something I have never experienced but if you want someone to rant to or scream at or just someone neutral to talk to I’ll be here…