Hometown

I’m back in my hometown for the summer. It’s between the semesters for college, and I’ve been suffering the entire time. Is it odd that the moment I stop on the pavement I got a stomach ache? I couldn’t get a job and I’ve chosen to drop one summer class. Just from those two things, my parents think it’s reason enough to beat me. To scream at me. To call me ‘retarded’. They didn’t even pay for my classes. My grandmother left me money for college; from things like this… but they think that because I spent it on a class that I dropped, I’m retarded. I can’t comprehend the real world. I’ve been away from this site for so long because I thought I had finally gotten myself out of the hole, but coming back here, I’m shoved right back into it. I got back into cutting, burning, and biting myself. Today I stood on top of the bleachers; as far up as I could get; and stared down at the pavement below. I just wanted to hurl myself down so I could escape the pain. I stood up there for almost an hour. I have one month left here until I go back to campus; a place that doesn’t make me want to die every single day. Just one more month… but if two months is enough to make me want to kill myself again, to give me urges to fall, what’s going to happen this month? I just don’t want to regress any more than I have. The only good news this summer has brought is that I mended old bonds with a friend who was lost. She fought with me and caused me so much pain, and only after going through hell herself, she decided it was time to stop bullshitting everyone. That’s the only good news. That was two months ago. Right now I’m just trying to stop what I’m doing to myself right now. It’s just one more month and I’ll be back, but I don’t know if I’ll make it that long.