I don’t know what to put here…

I am scared that I will kill myself one of these days.

I am a Christian. I was raised in an environment that told me suicide is a sin (the whole suicide is the murder of oneself, and murder is a no-no).

I am an immigrant. My parents emigrated from their birth place so I could have a better future. I’m tired of being such a failure to them. I know that I’ve fallen way short from their expectations and I feel like I’ve failed them when they’ve placed so much hope in me. I feel like I’m a waste of space, a financial drain on them. I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I do. I feel like I’ve never done anything where they could be especially proud. I feel like I’ll forever be a failure. I don’t want to waste their sacrifices just by killing myself before I’ve a chance to repay them. I don’t want to hurt my parents. But I don’t know how I am going to be able to cope anymore.

I just don’t know anymore. I’m trying so hard to get a grip of myself. But I’m just so depressed. I don’t want to set a bad example for my younger sister. I don’t want to hurt my family. I don’t know what to do anymore. I keep having thoughts that everyone would be better off without me. I used to cut. It used to help me release the pressures I feel within me… but I’ve stopped self-mutilation since I know it hurts my parents… I’m just so far in this emotional rut, I don’t know if I even have a way out. I’m just so anxious about so many things… I’m scared that one day I’ll just kill myself because I’d be sent over the edge… and I’m scared that that day is going to be soon…