ive learnt how to block everything up now, not to say how you really feel… people honestly dont care. but im just writing here because i need to get it out, as soon as i speak about stuff i close up and change the subject but writing it, i can cry as much as i want and still its all comprehensible.ok my life is great, my parents care about me, im a scholar with a grade 8 for LAMDA and % for theory of music. I have a passion; horses, everything to do with being outside, nature, science, english lit and lang.
But i hate it. everything ive loved, everything that made me who i was, the house i grew up in in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by wild flower meadows that id take day long walks across, a best friend that used to bake with me and make dens and paint snails and do all the stuff that normal kids do. i had horses, competing at national level, doing Britsish eventing and british dressage at Badminton. i was open to affection, wanted to learn, went to political meetings and confrences. i grew up a sophisticated, innocent naive little lady.
now, i live in my room, in the scummyest part of weymouth, far from fresh open fields and the only wildlife there is is squat on the road. my innocents is gone, much to my naivety of ‘menfolk’ worded by Tess D’urberville. i lost my friends my self worth, i see any male and i start losing control of my breathing sticking to the wall, clenching my fists getting ready to take flight. my horse, i loved dearly, the only one that hadnt yet abandoned me, used to nudge my hair whe i curled up on the stable floor crying and gaging, he would stay there munching hay over me and doing the silly things that cheeky ponies do. but a month later he went lame, two months later he went to the top equine hospital another month he was put to sleep at 10:30am tuesday 3 and a half weeks before christmas. i still cry for him, im crying about it now, clutching his photo….
id been cutting for a few years before, but now i scare myself at how far i can go. ive always contemplated suicide, even when i was younger, happier and running free in endless fields of flowers and butterflies. even tried it, the electrical tape as a noose, but jemima turned up too early…
i dont give a stuff about my education anymore. i worked hard all of my time at school and when i moved up to Hardyes no one gave a toss if you were clever of not. i went off the rails, started weed, smoking, giving my body away for free just to feel like i was needed for something for a little while. my grades were A/A* now A/B and a C. im a misserable little *****, hate people touching me or talking to me. Ella, a team mate died in a freak horse accident and her sister who has dissabilities was bullied to shit at school, it was vile and sickening, i cant even think about repeating what they said. but i couldnt stand there for her, seeing her cry in the middle of school, refusing to eat and seeing her family that had been ripped apart struggle. i should go to hell for not doing anything, i just stoped and hesitated then moved on. trying not to let emotions show or let myself so affection to Cherry, God bless her.
i cant stant anything any more. i cant stand myself. steve. joe. sarah.shannon. anyone that has been in my life. but i cant hurt my mum and dad and nan. i know how much i mean to her, how she was told she wasnt going to be able to have kids after 3 miscarriges and opperations. i was her mirical baby. but i wish i was dead. thing is i love them so much it hurts, but my dad had me when he was 50, he had a hartattck before i was born and i know he wont be around long enough to see me marry of have kids. and my mum, i cant see her being who she is without my dad or nan, my nan and i have a close relationship, and i swear to god if she dies im following. she holds this entire family together.
i dont know what to do. i see no way forward. no way back. its a roundabout, i cant get off at the next exit, missing oppertunities to get on with my life journey. just waiting till i ground t a halt and wait untill the next obstical hits me and sends me back into oblivion. Back to the wild flower meadows…