I woke up feeling heavy today. I straighten up and I knew why. The hurt and pain and disappointments, discouragement, hatred and sins were all piled up in this sack of mine called pride that it became so heavy I woke up because I knew it’s getting hard to breathe. If I were boiling, I knew it would gonna throw the lid up the kettle and burst any moment. And I heard something within me that says, ‘listen to what Max Lucado says to you today’ and I immediately get it. It’s a minute MP3 kind of like a voice recorded by an author and a preacher (which I really adore) I’m downloading everyday because I feel like with all the hatred and pain I’ve been feeling with God, it’s the only thing that connects Him and me—a tiny piece of thread he’s hoping I could hear. I knew for those everyday themes of these audios seems like they’re telling me something of what I’ve been feeling that day. I got it then played it.
You know what’s the title? Overflowing with Grace.
And here’s the excerpt,
           Do you ever worry that the cup of God’s mercy will run empty?  Are you afraid his grace will run out?  That your warranty will expire?  Are you afraid your mistakes are too great for God’s forgiveness?  I wonder if the apostle Paul had the same fear. Before he was Paul the apostle, he was Saul the murderer. Before he encouraged Christians, he murdered Christians. What would it be like to live with that kind of past?
Did Paul ever ask, “Can God forgive a man like me?†The answer is found in a letter Paul wrote to Timothy:  “The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.†(I Timothy 1:14)
God is not a miser with His grace. Your cup may be low on cash or clout, but it’s overflowing with mercy. Your cup overflows with grace!
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And the tears keep in flooding. I knew right then that I have and really have to give this large and heavy sack I’m carrying on every day of my life and give it Him right now because I can’t move and I can’t go anymore. I told him, ‘God, I knew it’s really hard for you to forgive me; who I am for you to forgive, but I just have to give this sack of pride and hurt and guilt to you because I can’t move anymore.’ I knew then he will.
You see, I’ve got a lot of things kept hidden on my closet. And I’m telling them to you right now. I’ve been masturbating since I was 2 or 3 y/o until now that I am 17 nearing 18 and you just don’t know how hard it is really for me that I can’t stop it for several reasons. I’m blaming the way how my mom treated me as the reason why I was able to do it. I lived in a family I knew when I was child they were not really ready. My childhood was bombarded with the feeling that any moment they will decide to have divorce. Every time they would fight I would feel the shakiness in me. In my head I was so confused that time since I was still a kid but I would always hold my heart; whenever they fight I always feel so nervous. I hated my dad because he wasn’t ready to be a dad back at those times. I hated my mom I guess until now, because she really don’t know anything. She don’t know how much pain her words are giving me, when I was kid until now, she really don’t know anything but she keeps on saying it like she’s right and I really want to tell them they’re so wrong and she’s so wrong. There are times I want to kill her, and them, good thing ‘how and when will I do it’ stopped me because murder takes a lot of planning time. I was a kleptomaniac when I was a kid; I would steal for food and money but the best is I would steal things from my classmates for no reason, I would hide it in my bag or any way really clever way to escape from being caught and when I did, I would feel triumph. There was twice when I would lay in my bed and imagine being in a dimension and like open my eyes and I would be able to ask ‘Who am I?, What am I?, what is this (touching my skin) etc. like I am some kind of an air turned out as a human and you get it isn’t it—and actually liked it. And I had some flirtations, good thing I was able to stop it, well yes for a lot of reasons. Then let’s get back to masturbation. You won’t believe that at age 9 or 8 I would have sex from a girl like me with almost the same age and actually to a smaller boy (but no contacts) and stopped at age 12 or 11. Really. And now, those guilt bombarded my being a sister to my brother. He’s the one I’m giving off my anger every time that you just so imagine how I treat him. It’s painful after because I love him he’s my brother and I’m afraid he will turn out worse than me because of what I am doing. Let me suffer because it all came from me, not him. And then these feeling of guilt and hatred from my mom, I always feel like I have to prove something. My mom never gets proud in a really you know like no matter what I do when I make a mistake you’re still someone nothing for her to be proud of and I’m like I want to shout at her so mad but you can’t. You see I can’t confront her for what I’ve been ‘doing’ because she never understand she would think I’m just overacting and everything. Every anger wells up inside I’m growing with it. And for that reason I grew up wanting to prove something but since I can’t, I always feel unfair and mad. And then sum it up I’m a failure and I hated God for that because why did he have to give me these responsibilities when I’ll only fail why did he created me at the first place because I know with all these sins I won’t go to heaven. And everything, everything Satan could use to trap me and hate God and want revenge for everything because I can’t get out. Of course I don’t know if you’ll believe me, but the best thing is I know is that God doesn’t doubt that these happenings are enough to make me feel so mad and angry and pain and want revenge. You see, I really don’t know how to love. I don’t know how you still love a person even if he did you something wrong it cuts so deep. I don’t even know if I love. Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m not really giving love because I can’t grasp the idea that God still loves me despite everything I have done and I have given him. Of course there’s a whole lot more hidden in my closet, but the point is, I knew God had forgiven them all that moment I asked Him to. I’m not worthy, because I know how tough it is to grow a child like me, but He still did. I told Him that I will still make a lot of sins even if He forgives me today, but He still did. My life and my life with him is full of fluctuations—once high, next time bombarded with pain and mad and doubts, I go down immediately.
You see, I just can’t tell you how much I’ve been in your position right now. You don’t how much I wanted to kill everyone. How much I don’t know how could I still live tomorrow. But no matter how I feel, once I know and God knows everything is enough JUST SAY IT. JUST SAY YOU CAN’T GO ON ANYMORE, and immediately he will get that sack from you. He got mine. I’m an a Paul-the murderer to Paul-the apostle and back to Paul-the sinner again and again. But he did. You’re not alone. You don’t know how much I want to suicide. But I didn’t. Because no matter how long I kept these skeletons in my closet there still something in me that I believe GOD WILL DO SOMETHING FOR IT. I didn’t exist for no reason, even bacteria don’t, how much more a human like me? So I know there’s God. And not only that I had a relationship with Him. But I ended it myself. But he still wanted me back. It took a long time before he really did something to get me back, but he did. God don’t doubt the pain you’re feeling right now, but he doubts that dwelling with the pain every day would make it one day gone. Give it to Him. Just say it. I’m a sinner, like so much. But he did. He forgave me, and so do you. All you need to do is JUST SAY IT WITH YOUR SACK AND LEAVE IT TO THE CROSS. God will do something for the mess of our life. You’re not alone, we are billions of wanting to end our life. But he really want to save us. Trust God and trust me that I am a witness of His mercy.
http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/upwords/