Ive been too depressed to post lately, not that I havent been writing replies because I have but its come to the point where I just cant bring myself to click the post button .. I just think, well, its like something dies in me and I think ‘why bother’?
My whole life and especially the last few years Ive always been unappreciated, even If I am apprieciated sometimes it doesnt quite weigh the balance back to being so.
I’ve got one person in my life who likes to talk, trouble is he is so negative and destructive in his personality and things he says that it just always becomes damaging. Yeah, I know my circumstances arent great but he will actually make me feel like its all my fault that those cirumstances exist, ‘in 5 years time you will still be there living with your mum in your crappy house and I will be married’ he says.
There aint no one who’s gonna help me out in my life, nobody. I am in my circumstances which havent changed for 5 years .. Because? I CANT CHANGE THEM… OBVIOUSLY
All you need is a ‘friend’ in your life who says it is your fault when you’re battling against suicide and painful hurt depression.. every time we get in a heated debate about real things he makes my heart hurt, I can feel it twinge and its SUCH a common feeling… ‘Grow’ he says. hahahahhahaha .. what a fucking joke…. I was, just a few years ago, DEAD inside. Literally. In my bed all day in AGONY over trauma and loss and unable to function in the slightest, every day was hell, I couldnt go to the shop because I looked a wreck and I felt a wreck, I couldnt relate with people any more, I had developed negatively, I had lost my social skills. My mind was inward and downward and against me,  I was DEAD.
Now, today, thats not a problem, well not half as much, I beat it, how? GROWING .. making myself grow and healing myself when no one gave a fucking damn .. when no one showed me how to heal, when no one showed me how to ‘grow’. .. but oh, ‘Grow’ he says .. Fucking tit.
The trouble is, Ive got fuck all in my life, NOTHING. someone to talk to by text message and msn is just a little bit more than what I’d have without, but FFS WHY does it have to be someone who, while I’ve known him for about 6 years, he knows NOTHING about me. he doesnt understand anything about me, you know on a deep level, he doesnt understand how I’ve ‘grown’ but yet, he still fucking says ‘grow’ you need to ‘grow’. ffs some people are so fucking blind and im SICK of paying the price.
I’m sick of fighting my way out of the darkest fucking life anyone could imagine and NEVER.. NEVER getting anything back, never being rewarded, if this world or anyone (including God) wants me to live then they sure have a funny way of showing it..  Being let down consistently, mis understood consistently, unappreciated, unwanted, .. to think there are people out there who have ALWAYS got stuff that they want, living fairy tales that they ‘think’ is life .. its not life for me, my life, it doesnt get seen, its all back far beyond the boundaries that people can actually ‘see’ but hey .. lets look and curse and fucking judge, lets see that look upon his face and that behaviour and those unfortunate circumstances that are killing him and lets take it as was it seems, lets make him pay for it, lets hold it against him.
I’ve discovered that life .. life isn’t really life until your living with no life, once you start to live it you get fullfilled and full of happiness and your life drains away… Man was meant to suffer.
6 comments
In truth, no one is going to help you out in life. At least not to the extent where they can change everything because at the end of the day, you only have yourself – everyone goes home, back own their lives, and you’re left alone. And although your friend is the only one who talks to you.. you have to learn to find happiness by yourself before you can start searching it for others, in my opinion at least.
He seems to be giving you a lot more “shit” than you deserve.. almost like he needs to put you down in order to be happy himself.. you didn’t post your reaction though.. did you dish it back to him like it was a joke and say something like “You’re delusional, I’m going to be living in a five story mansion by the beach with my supermodel wife and you’re going to be living alone with my mum”? Because I think he needs it and you’re probably going need to bring a bit of sass and attitude to get him to listen to you properly. You should also keep in mind though.. that he might just be frustrated because you’re not living up to your potential or being who he thinks you can be.. I don’t know your situation though so I can’t really talk.
I find it interesting in your 2nd to last paragraph you switch to writing in the 3rd person and you make it seem like the world taking some sort of “revenge” on you.. I don’t know.. but maybe you’ve just got to fight back and fight for life if you desire to feel “alive” again. It’s time to stop taking the back seat in this journey, and stop “letting it be”. Take control or it will control you.
from others* not for
i feel your pain. I got no advice for you because I don’t know your situation and most of the time people don’t even want advice. they just want to be heard. I hear you. I had a few friends like that in my life while my life was going down the tubes and they would constantly make off the cuff comments like “you just need to get a job” or “grow” or “stop thinking so much”. It was really aggravating because they just didn’t understand and after a while I felt like they said those things because they were irritated with me. Its a tough place to be in my friend.
@killswitch: Yeah my circumstances: 34 years old (35 in 10 days) on the sick benefit – having a medical today in regards to that. Still living at my mums house, I tied to move out a few times but its always money that stops me, having to pay for stuff like tv licences. My mum isn’t a problem, we have our arguments and she’s a little bit too religuous for me but I tolerate that. Been trying get a girlfriend for 5 years, they’ve been much of my suffering .. I would say 98% of the time its just rejections. I’ve some particularly harsh memory’s of ones from ‘pof’ which are always haunting me, no doubt they are breathing their fire on somebody else by now
@obsever: Yeah well happiness is something I’ve found difficult to find, Have spent the last 3 years fighting suicide crisis’s and trying to develop myself (growing) .. which has largely been successful, Im a different person now to when I was really fucked up .. but I still tend to a be a bit sensitive as I don’t think a part of me is completely healed, m maybe never will be. But, You know it doesnt matter , The only thing I want is to be a singer and have lots of girls lol or just one special one. It isn’t an easy thing to just go and get. .. and about my friend, I didn’t turn around my words like you said, I just said ‘growth, what the fuck do you know about ‘growth’ you really think your so special don’t ya, you don’t know me at all.’
my mate, seeing ‘potential’ in me nahhhh .. he’s broken my heart before by saying ‘you can’t sing’ (I’ve been a singer, aspiring, for 12 years).. IT just makes me want to do it and shut his mouth up… And I wasn’t talking about revenge, its about how I need something good to happen but all I get is the opposite , people letting me down consistently, all I get out of this world is nothing. And ‘love’ would be the greatest find and is mostly why I battle, for the hope of love ,. it never comes though, I would have to be famous before a woman wanted me I think ..
Well, I did karaoke last night, I did ‘back door man’ by the doors, Was quite drunk but I think I surprised myself again, After letting criticisms go to your head its easy to ‘forget’ the good things. I am just so tired of never really having anyone behind me, not just in singing but in life.
in regards to my last post, I think I have become spiteful by feeling like I am being cheated and treated badly by girls. All the bad times I have had with women (or rather not with) has pretty much led me to be constantly hurting inside, I don’t feel like women kind is there for me, I don’t feel like anyone is really but more so girls. Its a sad reality when you find people are the primary reason why another person is locked into suffering. Maybe I shouldn’t be looking to people for something I feel I need but its just a symptom of how my standard of living has made me, My heart aches and I just can’t seem to stop it talking through me and usually betraying me. I’m not putting anyone down I’m just speaking truthfully, I cant help but have an issue with something that’s giving me an issue.
Thanks killswitch and Observer for your posts
“Have spent the last 3 years fighting suicide crisis’s and trying to develop myself (growing) .. which has largely been successful, Im a different person now to when I was really f***** up …”
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-Yeah, I’ve come some way myself… Still searchin’, still learnin’…
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I’ve deleted *my* post; came across this song – thought I’d put it on here [seemed _somewhat_ ‘appropriate’ – you’re the talented musician, not me, so you can decide; don’t come down hard on me – I’m sensitive too] :
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You turned away when I looked you in the eye,
And hesitated when I asked if you were alright,
Seems like you’re fighting for your life,
But why? oh why?
Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare,
You saw it comin’ but it hit you outta nowhere,
And there’s always scars
When you fall that far
We lose our way,
We get back up again
It’s never too late to get back up again,
One day you gonna shine again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever,
Lose our way,
We get back up again,
So get up, get up,
You gonna shine again,
Never too late to get back up again,
You may be knocked down, But not out forever
[May be knocked down but not out forever]
You rolled out at the dawning of the day
Heart racin’ as you made your little getaway,
It feels like you’ve been runnin’ all your life
But, why? Oh why?
So you’ve pulled away from the love that wou’d’ve been there,
You start believin’ that your situation’s unfair
But there’s always scars,
When you fall that far
We lose our way,
We get back up again
Never too late to get back up again,
One day, you gonna shine again,
You may be knocked down but not out forever,
Lose our way, we get back up again,
So get up, get up
You gonna shine again
It’s never too late, to get back up again
You may be knocked down, but not out forever,
May be knocked down, but not out forever!
This is love callin’, love callin’, out to the broken,
This is love callin’.
This is love callin’, love callin’, out to the broken
This is love callin’.
This is love callin’, love callin’,
I am so broken
This is love callin’ love callin Lose our way, [way way way ay ay ay]
We get back up, [get back up again]
It’s never too late [late late late ate ate ate]
You may be knocked down but not out forever!
Lose our way,
We get back up again,
So get up get up
You gonna shine again
Never too late to get back up again
You may be knocked down, But not out forever,
This is love [lose our way] callin’ love callin’ [get back up again]
To the broken
This is love [never too late] callin’
[May be knocked down but not out forever]
This is love [lose our way] callin’ love callin’ [we get back up again]
To the broken
This is love [never too late] callin’
[May be knocked down but not out forever]
This is love callin’ love callin’
Out to the broken,
This is love callin’…
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~TM (Get back up)
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You’ve heard it? I like the lyrics …
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Take care, man.
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