Ive been too depressed to post lately, not that I havent been writing replies because I have but its come to the point where I just cant bring myself to click the post button ..Â I just think, well, its like something dies in me and I think ‘why bother’?
My whole life and especially the last few years Ive always been unappreciated, even IfÂ I am apprieciated sometimes it doesnt quite weigh the balance back to being so.
I’ve got one person in my life who likes to talk, trouble is he is so negative and destructive in his personality and things he says that it just always becomes damaging. Yeah, I know my circumstances arent great but he will actually make me feel like its all my fault that those cirumstances exist, ‘in 5 years time you will still be there living with your mum in your crappy house and I will be married’ he says.
There aint no one who’s gonna help me out in my life, nobody. I am in my circumstances which havent changed for 5 years .. Because? I CANT CHANGE THEM… OBVIOUSLY
All you need is a ‘friend’ in your life who says it is your fault whenÂ you’re battling against suicide and painful hurt depression..Â every time we get in a heated debate about real things he makes my heart hurt, I can feel it twinge and its SUCH a common feeling… ‘Grow’ he says. hahahahhahaha .. what a fucking joke…. I was, just a few years ago, DEAD inside. Literally. In my bed all dayÂ in AGONY over trauma and loss and unable to functionÂ in the slightest, every day was hell, I couldnt go to the shop because I looked a wreck andÂ I felt a wreck,Â I couldnt relate with people any more, I had developed negatively, I had lostÂ my social skills. My mind was inward and downward and against me,Â Â I was DEAD.
Now, today, thats not a problem, well not half as much, I beat it, how? GROWING .. making myself grow and healing myself when no one gave a fucking damn .. when no one showed me how to heal, when no one showed me how to ‘grow’. .. but oh,Â ‘Grow’ he says .. Fucking tit.
The trouble is, Ive got fuckÂ all in my life, NOTHING. someone to talk to by text message and msn is just a little bit more than whatÂ I’d have without, but FFS WHY does it have to be someone who, while I’ve knownÂ him for about 6 years, he knows NOTHING about me. he doesnt understandÂ anything about me, you know on a deep level, he doesnt understand how I’ve ‘grown’ but yet, he still fucking says ‘grow’Â you need to ‘grow’. ffs some people are so fucking blind and im SICK of paying the price.
I’m sick of fighting my way out of the darkest fucking life anyone could imagine and NEVER.. NEVER getting anything back, never beingÂ rewarded, ifÂ this world or anyone (including God) wants me to live then they sure have a funny way of showing it..Â Â Being let down consistently, mis understood consistently, unappreciated, unwanted, .. to think there are people out there who have ALWAYS got stuff that they want, living fairy tales that they ‘think’ is life .. its not life for me, my life, it doesnt get seen, its all back far beyond the boundaries that people can actually ‘see’ but hey .. lets look and curse and fucking judge, lets see that look upon his faceÂ and that behaviour and those unfortunate circumstances that are killing him and lets take it as was it seems, lets make him pay for it,Â lets hold it against him.
I’ve discovered that life .. life isn’t really life until your living with no life, once you start to live it you get fullfilled and full of happiness and your life drains away… Man was meant to suffer.