Mother may I?

I saw my mum for the first time in a few weeks today. She turned to me and said all she has in the world is me, my brother and her husband, but that I was her rock. She’s been going through her own trouble, battling her own demons for a long time. Little did she know her rock was crying down the phone to the Samaritans last night, that I was crying down the phone just to feel something. How can I ever tell her that I want to die? How can I tell her that every day I smash up my sanity just trying to survive? How can I tell her that I can’t stay another day longer? How can I tell her when she is the reason for the breath still in my lungs? I’ve mentioned before that I imagine her dying, as if her death is validation for my own. How do I do this? I feel such clarity when I think about death until I think of her and then I feel nothing but dread. I am sick. I don’t know how much longer I can wear this disguise, how much longer I can be a rock. I don’t know what I’m asking for. Can anyone understand this?