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My Mental Home.

by morbidCupcake

Dear Readers.

Wow, that sounds weird for some one as new as me, because i tend to not gain attention, Internet-wise or not, but thats besides the point. I am a 13 year old girl, nothing special, and to be honest, i’m not that serious of a case, compared to other people, But what my problem is that i suffer from my negative emotions, and i do mean it quiet  literally. Let me try to clear this up for you. For example, lets assume that you and i used to be really close, but then our relationship… fails. Like i wasn’t as great as a friend then you thought i was, or if i was unintentionally hurting you and making you feel depressed. And then we end it, have a heart-to-heart chat or something, and then…i feel like horrible, like a criminal, like a monster, etc, etc. And my world kinda turns into a melted mess, and reality becomes rather… gloomy, sick and horrible. There is no ups, just downs and frowns and me, disgusting, rotten old me. And every thought becomes a twisted message reminding me on how horrible i am, and depending on how bad the scenario is, i’ll act differently. If its shitty, all of my negativity is bottled inside and if it’s horrible, i just lose it in front of everyone, and i need to leave the classroom i’m in because of so. Anyway, back to the point. Below me are some poetry and drabbles from 2012, with the last two from 2013,  and… i dunno, it just represent the madness i feel during those moments, from mad, to depressed, to suicidal. With my personal favorite “An ordinary kid told me…”, to my earliest one, “Dear Allah”, I question God, Myself and sanity, so i hope that i have, at least, made my mark.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
ToY

I

Want
To be
Free
Of
My
Cold
Lonely
Heart
And
My
Grey
Prison
Where iv’e
Been trapped
For
A
Long long
Time
Suffocating from lack of love
Still alive for more touture
Am I a toy
Just to be destroyed
Am
I
Just
A
Toy.
to be
Fogotten
Oh please
Save me
And just
Kill me
It’s not like I’m
Important
Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No more heroes

I’m cursed.

I cannot die
Nor can I live.
I want to die.
But I’m too afraid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hate is a beautiful word

But it is not a kind one
It used to be ugly
But then
It was overused
Not as important
It transformed
Like a butterfly
But it still was revolting
On the inside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To note,

I typed this up a while ago,
I am doing suicide, and if you want to know why, it is because my ( former ) brother Ahmed drove me up the wall. He was hell to live with, and once I’m dead this is gonna be my final wish,
Give that bastard one year of juvenile court, one year of living on the streets, one year of living the horrible life I had, anything, to traumatize him anymore ( if my death traumatize him ). I want him to be meek, faint, dead of soul, once I am gone,
That bastard deserved it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once I was

Somebody.
But I was not liked.
So I ripped out my eyes,
My mouth, my feelings,
Everything,
Just to be a nobody.
To be confined inside my own
Hollow shell.
To be with nothing but my sanity
And my tiny, black, broken heart
And it’s faint, sickly heartbeat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My brother made me
Crying up tears
From your hateful words
And your hateful look on me
It wouldn’t sting so bad
If I didn’t had to
Hear this everyday
And if you wert my brother
My blood relative,
I’d probably would not mind.
But you are
you are
And my throat is dry
From saying this
Again. And again.
I. Blame. God.
And now, I hate him.
But now there is no answer
But for me to give up
Forever
I. Blame. God.
And once I’m done
Singing my suicide anthem,
I’ll go up to god and ask him :
Take me to hell already,
For I can die again.
I’m tired of your game
Im done, taking the blame,
Just leave me and let me die,
Ok?
My words feel hollow,
And life, is a no-show,
So I’m letting death come and take me,
Ok?
I. Blame. God.
That heartless bastard
Made life hell,
I. Blame. God.
So I’ll take this knife
And I’ll stab myself,
Just to meet my end.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Allah

I now by hate you.
You give my brother  a disorder when I want to know why he hates me.
You made my parents divorce.
And you refuse to kill me because I sure won’t kill myself and give you the pleasure.
My life sucks, because of you.
My mom is poor.
My dad is in Sudan with his family.
My brother is a retard who gives me the most pain and sorrow in my life ( other than you mr. High and mighty bastard ) and is the reason why I give you this message.
You know about that chick who wanted to burn down heaven and drown hell because she loves ya’,
Well when I die, I want this to be known: I will be the 12 year old who wanted to burn the pearly gates and give god a piece of her mind, because her life was crap, and she did not deserve to go to hell or heaven.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An ordinary kid told me…

 

Deep inside my numbed mind

A dark shadow is where I hide

Paranoia lives inside

I made my grave

Now I must lie.

 

 

Call me a coward

Call me a fool

Insult me whenever you want

Because I know it’s true

Before I was just sad

But now, I must be mad

Because what I considered normal

Is now just a disorder

Slave to technology

Books are now empty

A mess is what I made

Money is burning the more words that I say

At home, I’m just a shell

At school, my true self just fell

Down the stairs, so now I must wear a mask

To cover my shame

But damn, my mask is covered in cracks

Do I have friends? Why yes I do

Well, when they aren’t yelling at each other about

Who did this, or who did that

Or when a heart-to-heart conversation

Ends up in yelling or screaming

And a call to room 307

At my school

If I was weird, I’d be proud of it

But I’m not, I’m just retarded

She said, the girl next to me

When I wanted to do my work in humanities

Where’s daddy when you need him

Somewhere else in the goddamn world

What happened to my little brother

He’s dead, replaced with an unstable blur

Of mental issues, and asthma

Yelling and schoolyard trauma.

And mom, poor mom,

Her life is just a wreck

With her broken children

And a job that she struggles with

No matter how much she loves it

Not enough money comes out of the bank

And

I can’t take it anymore

I’m just so sick and horrible

Let blood out my blacken soul

And treat my like a criminal

 

I’m a good person

And a smart kid

But no matter, I still procrastinate

Thus leading to not-so good grades

And because I’m far away

I tend to be late

Always lowering the bar

The expectations, the chances

When I see the good life

I never see myself in it anymore

So I put my broken dream up high

On top of my mountain of lies

Hidden in my mind

A dark corner overrides

And now I want to die

So in hell , ’ll feel alive

When fire licks my eyes

Pain going though my body

That way I’ll feel something

 

This good little girl a lie.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reasons why I suck:

 

  1. I lie
  2. I am a hypocrite
  3. People still hate me
  4. I am lazy
  5. I sin
  6. I am a horrible friend
  7. I want to die
  8. I am greedy
  9. I am selfish

10. I am useless

11. I want what others have ( Envy )

12. I suck

13. I generally go for the more “Dark” things

14. I don’t think I am considered “Sane” anymore

15. I… can’t be the good guy.

16. I am mean-spirited.

17. I am confused, about life, meaning, death, and god.

18. I use scapegoats

19. I am a pain to everybody

20. I *****

21. I’m too moody.

4 comments
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4 comments

pink flowers 7/17/2013 - 1:38 am

At 13 When you feel horrible like a bad person it is because someone shamed you in your life in other words when you did something wrong they did not say to you what you did was wrong but you are is wrong. Parents can do that with looks, or fear as well. I hope you know that who you are is a beautiful soul.

pink flowers 7/17/2013 - 1:39 am

At 13 When you feel horrible like a bad person it is because someone shamed you in your life in other words when you did something wrong they did not say to you what you did was wrong but who you are is wrong. Parents can do that with looks, or fear as well. I hope you know that who you are is a beautiful soul.

Tristeza 7/17/2013 - 2:41 am

Your “dear allah” is very touching because you just showed your deepest thoughts.
Keep working on your poems and writing, writing can be helpful sometimes to release angst and sadness.

shinetai 7/17/2013 - 4:38 am

Your poem “An Ordinary Kid Told Me” is just so good. No matter what happens you should continue to write poems because you have so much emotion in them that people can feel you. I don’t even know your real name or how you look like, but as soon as a finished the first three stanzas of your poem I knew that I had someone else in the world who feels the same way I do. Though that poem was something like the song titanium. Maybe your life is like that. No matter how much the world’s creators, god or Allah, makes our lives shit holes we got to stand up and not give up. That way we can pass on without regrets and say “I sealed with all the shit you threw at me so go fuck yourself” and for the reason for why you think u suck…. Well honestly if u think those are reasons why you suck then very person in the world sucks. Who hasn’t lied? Who hasn’t been a hypocrite before? And if there is some perfect person out there who no one hates tell them to come out. Being lazy? Humans were made to be lazy and greedy. I’m sure ur not useless, you just need to wait. You’re obviously intelligent and have talent. So don’t degrade your own self worth. And envying others…. That can be a good thing if you use that envy to become competitive and end up getting something better than them. What’s wrong with a Dark sense of style? And saneness… Okay let me just till you, if everyone one in the world was sane I would get very bored. Life’s better with the insane, nothing wrong with that, and it’s definitely not a reason why anyone would suck. Beig the good guy isn’t always a good thing. You always have to clean up after someone and u got to put up and act. I don’t think anyone’s wants another mask. And if you’re sassy and snappy it shows your wit :)no one knows he meaning of life, unless it is 42….. But u know you’re not a pain to everyone. You have me relief. And I’m being sincere, why else would I be typing this much when it’s 1:37 am? I made an account in this website just because of your post. I had to say something. As for your last two reasons I can’t say much because I don’t know you completely. But remember you’re amazing 🙁

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