Wow, that sounds weird for some one as new as me, because i tend to not gain attention, Internet-wise or not, but thats besides the point. I am a 13 year old girl, nothing special, and to be honest, i’m not that serious of a case, compared to other people,Â ButÂ what my problem is that i suffer from my negative emotions, and i do mean it quiet Â literally. Let me try to clear this up for you. For example, lets assume that you and i used to be really close, but then our relationship… fails. Like i wasn’t as great as a friend then you thought i was, or if i was unintentionally hurting you and making you feel depressed. And then we end it, have a heart-to-heart chat or something, and then…i feel like horrible, like a criminal, like a monster, etc, etc. And my world kinda turns into a melted mess, and reality becomes rather… gloomy, sick and horrible. There is no ups, just downs and frowns and me, disgusting, rotten old me. And every thought becomes a twisted message reminding me on how horrible i am, and depending on how bad the scenario is, i’ll act differently. If its shitty, all of my negativity is bottled inside and if it’s horrible, i just lose it in front of everyone, and i need to leave the classroom i’m in because of so. Anyway, back to the point. Below me are some poetry and drabbles from 2012, with the last two from 2013, Â and… i dunno, it just represent the madness i feel during those moments, from mad, to depressed, to suicidal. With my personal favorite “An ordinary kid told me…”, to my earliest one, “Dear Allah”, I question God, Myself and sanity, so i hope that i have, at least, made my mark.
An ordinary kid told meâ€¦
Deep inside my numbed mind
A dark shadow is where I hide
Paranoia lives inside
I made my grave
Now I must lie.
Call me a coward
Call me a fool
Insult me whenever you want
Because I know itâ€™s true
Before I was just sad
But now, I must be mad
Because what I considered normal
Is now just a disorder
Slave to technology
Books are now empty
A mess is what I made
Money is burning the more words that I say
At home, Iâ€™m just a shell
At school, my true self just fell
Down the stairs, so now I must wear a mask
To cover my shame
But damn, my mask is covered in cracks
Do I have friends? Why yes I do
Well, when they arenâ€™t yelling at each other about
Who did this, or who did that
Or when a heart-to-heart conversation
Ends up in yelling or screaming
And a call to room 307
At my school
If I was weird, Iâ€™d be proud of it
But Iâ€™m not, Iâ€™m just retarded
She said, the girl next to me
When I wanted to do my work in humanities
Whereâ€™s daddy when you need him
Somewhere else in the goddamn world
What happened to my little brother
Heâ€™s dead, replaced with an unstable blur
Of mental issues, and asthma
Yelling and schoolyard trauma.
And mom, poor mom,
Her life is just a wreck
With her broken children
And a job that she struggles with
No matter how much she loves it
Not enough money comes out of the bank
I canâ€™t take it anymore
Iâ€™m just so sick and horrible
Let blood out my blacken soul
And treat my like a criminal
Iâ€™m a good person
And a smart kid
But no matter, I still procrastinate
Thus leading to not-so good grades
And because Iâ€™m far away
I tend to be late
Always lowering the bar
The expectations, the chances
When I see the good life
I never see myself in it anymore
So I put my broken dream up high
On top of my mountain of lies
Hidden in my mind
A dark corner overrides
And now I want to die
So in hell , â€™ll feel alive
When fire licks my eyes
Pain going though my body
That way Iâ€™ll feel something
This good little girl a lie.
Reasons why I suck:
- I lie
- I am a hypocrite
- People still hate me
- I am lazy
- I sin
- I am a horrible friend
- I want to die
- I am greedy
- I am selfish
10. I am useless
11. I want what others have ( Envy )
12. I suck
13. I generally go for the more â€œDarkâ€ things
14. I donâ€™t think I am considered â€œSaneâ€ anymore
15. Iâ€¦ canâ€™t be the good guy.
16. I am mean-spirited.
17. I am confused, about life, meaning, death, and god.
18. I use scapegoats
19. I am a pain to everybody
20. I *****
21. Iâ€™m too moody.
At 13 When you feel horrible like a bad person it is because someone shamed you in your life in other words when you did something wrong they did not say to you what you did was wrong but you are is wrong. Parents can do that with looks, or fear as well. I hope you know that who you are is a beautiful soul.
At 13 When you feel horrible like a bad person it is because someone shamed you in your life in other words when you did something wrong they did not say to you what you did was wrong but who you are is wrong. Parents can do that with looks, or fear as well. I hope you know that who you are is a beautiful soul.
Your “dear allah” is very touching because you just showed your deepest thoughts.
Keep working on your poems and writing, writing can be helpful sometimes to release angst and sadness.
Your poem “An Ordinary Kid Told Me” is just so good. No matter what happens you should continue to write poems because you have so much emotion in them that people can feel you. I don’t even know your real name or how you look like, but as soon as a finished the first three stanzas of your poem I knew that I had someone else in the world who feels the same way I do. Though that poem was something like the song titanium. Maybe your life is like that. No matter how much the world’s creators, god or Allah, makes our lives shit holes we got to stand up and not give up. That way we can pass on without regrets and say “I sealed with all the shit you threw at me so go fuck yourself” and for the reason for why you think u suck…. Well honestly if u think those are reasons why you suck then very person in the world sucks. Who hasn’t lied? Who hasn’t been a hypocrite before? And if there is some perfect person out there who no one hates tell them to come out. Being lazy? Humans were made to be lazy and greedy. I’m sure ur not useless, you just need to wait. You’re obviously intelligent and have talent. So don’t degrade your own self worth. And envying others…. That can be a good thing if you use that envy to become competitive and end up getting something better than them. What’s wrong with a Dark sense of style? And saneness… Okay let me just till you, if everyone one in the world was sane I would get very bored. Life’s better with the insane, nothing wrong with that, and it’s definitely not a reason why anyone would suck. Beig the good guy isn’t always a good thing. You always have to clean up after someone and u got to put up and act. I don’t think anyone’s wants another mask. And if you’re sassy and snappy it shows your wit :)no one knows he meaning of life, unless it is 42….. But u know you’re not a pain to everyone. You have me relief. And I’m being sincere, why else would I be typing this much when it’s 1:37 am? I made an account in this website just because of your post. I had to say something. As for your last two reasons I can’t say much because I don’t know you completely. But remember you’re amazing 🙁