My sad life

When i read suicide stories online. I allways read reactions like, don’t worry, one day everything will get better. It will all be allright. You might feel sad at the moment but your future will get brighter.
Well, stop lying, it’s not going to happen. I take my pills daily, pills to reduce my depression but also pills to reduce my pain. My nerves are damaged and i have chronical pain.
It’s going on for 2 years now, and no. It won’t get better, it won’t restore, i’ve lost all hope.

I shouldn’t even be drinking with my medication, but i do. I drink even more then my friends, especially when i feel depressed. When i drink i can’t control myself, it might get out of hand.

Suicide has been in my head multiple times now. A year ago i’ve told myself that if the pain won’t reduce and i have to go trough this nightmare any longer, i would put my life to an end.
I just don’t have the balls to do it, or i would be death allready. I’m afraid of what will happen when i die. I tell myself everyday that i wish i had some kind of button that would shut down my body,
so i instantly die and don’t have to worry about anything.

The worst part is to act happy, and when people ask me how i’m doing i tell them i’m fine, but i’m not.

I wish someone could just hug me, comfort me. Lie next to me and cry together. I feel worse every day.

Also, i’m 19 years old.