My Side Of The Story

Well, I guess, My story starts about 1 year ago… I had been struggling with Insomnia and would do anything to get a full nights rest. I was mean, angry and on the verge of tears constantly. My friend had the same issue, but not as bad, her mom had bought some all natural sleeping aids. They worked great for my  friend and I was envious! I had asked my mom as soon as I heard about the success, if she could maybe be open to me trying them out.. I was shut down so fast… I was angry and hurt that she had said no…. I took measures into my own hands, I took about 10 pills, and stashed them in my room. I was sleeping great, I was getting back on track, my grades were picking up again… I felt better than I had in months. One night I went to stay at a friends house, and in the morning I woke up to my mom at her front door… fuming…

My mom found out who had supplied me with the pills and I was forbidden from ever going to my best friends house again… I was grounded for months and I slipped into a deep depression. I had always had issues… Even before the pills, my mom has always been a very verbally abusive person. Constantly yelling or calling me names.. ” Evil and Useless”..” F*cking brat!!!” rang in my ears quite a bit. I was always fighting for my say in things, or even just defending myself. Throughout my grounding and separation from my best friend, the fighting and screaming became worse and worse. I cried my self to sleep ( if I even slept) every night. To make things even more difficult I had recently just lost my aunt and young cousin in a car accident. I was drowning in depression, I couldn’t take it anymore… I began to think of what it would be like to be done… with breathing, oh how delicious it would feel to be free right? Many nights I would walk into the bathroom and think, tonight the night?.. or maybe tomorrow? At one point I even opened the bottle, I was ready to go. I didn’t want to be in the world anymore, with it’s traitors and its pain.. but something always made me put the bottle down… I’m not sure what it was. Until recently I hadn’t wrote letters… I had always thought, if they put me through so much pain.. why should I care if they knew why I did it? Right? Wrong!

Just a few days ago after yet another fight with my mom … I wrote letters to my best friend and my parents.. I thought.. Maybe, they should know why I am gone.. I am their only baby girl… The letters are up in my closet… I haven’t torn them.. I haven’t touched the bottle of pills… I finally told my best friend about my thoughts… She was very upset and confused.. When I explained my depression.. it felt like I was trying to justify why I felt like I felt. I felt judged, in the worst way… I don’t know if that bottle will call to me at another point. I pray it keeps its mouth shut. I am still very  much depressed, obviously if I wrote letters a few days ago… I am fighting.. I think for my grandparents… Imagining them at my funeral breaks me.. I couldn’t put them through that right..? I think for every person… struggling to keep your head above the waves of  pain… Try and find someone dear to fight for… It very well may have saved my life…